This week I faced four large canvases (5 feet by 5 feet) while under the influence of depression. And of course, a key ingredient of depression is loss of confidence and self-esteem. Wow, I thought, I wish I had some small canvasses to work on so I don't have to ruin these large ones.
I really didn't feel like painting at all, and I was vaguely anxious about everything in my life. But I know from past experience not to give in to these thoughts if at all possible, and just to go into the studio and work. I give myself permission, always, to paint crap. Otherwise I'd be under unbearable pressure.
I worked on the backgrounds first, which is a gentle way to start. A background, for me, may have a critical influence on the outcome of a painting, or it may disappear entirely as I paint over it. I wanted to have light-filled, airy backgrounds on these canvasses in order to encourage me to paint an airy, light-filled result.
Unfortunately, my first attempt was just the opposite. I used a background wash that was too dense, and it sucked all the lightness into itself. On my second try, I did better.
Eventually, I had to actually start painting over these backgrounds, and I wasn't sure where to begin. But I put some cheerful music on--Simon and Garfunkel's Greatest Hits--and that helped me to start. I picked up a tube of orange/red, put some on my palette knife, and applied it.
I expected nothing from my painting this week. Yet the simple process of applying paint, then stopping to look, and applying more paint, took me to a state of grace where art reveals itself. I couldn't have gotten there if I hadn't started in spite of my misgivings. And I still might not have gotten there. I might have painted messes of mud. I have and will again.