4/23/07 Day 4
I wonder why it is only when I am depressed that I think about the meaning of life? When I'm feeling up, especially in my hypomanic (hyper, but not manic) state, I get loads of ideas and want to work on them. It is all exciting then and I want to do things, not sit around thinking about the pupose of it all.
Lately I've been a little down, and I guess more so this morning. As I was doing my fifteen minutes of slow-breathing exercises, I started doubting the way I am living my life, and wondering what I should replace it with.
I get up every day and work. It has lost its taste. But there is nothing to replace it with. What else would I do?
Every so often I get into a self-improvement phase where I practice meditation or some other self-awareness program. Is it time for that?
I know that if I just keep pushing through the gloom, if I keep making art, I will eventually come back out into the light. This morning I did my obligatory drawing and used it to express these negative thoughts: "No one likes the reds." "I don't know what I'm doing." And simply, "Oh."
I added another word, "inspiring," because I got an email this morning from someone who said she found my art "inspiring." I don't feel inspired today.
After drawing, I went back to the two paintings I've been working on and was finally able to sign one of them. I don't know if it's any good, but here it is:
Reflection, 44" x 44"
The problem is, I should be making happy, decorative paintings for two art shows I have coming up in June. That's what people want to buy.
(Note: There is a gap between the dates I'm writing and posting because I had to give myself time to get ahead in case we travel and I'm not able to post.)
