July 25, 2007 Day 97
Last night's bipolar support group meeting was very upsetting. One of our long-time members was manic and very aggressively attacking everything others said. The person who was supposed to facilitate did not show up, as well as many of our regulars. That left me to facilitate with Z acting crazy. At the same time we had one brand new person and another second-timer, who sounded a bit manic himself.
Just before the meeting, Adrian, John and I had an early dinner at a restaurant downtown, eating at outdoor tables on the sidewalk. Z showed up and I asked her to join us. She started out by saying that she didn't like the title of my book (The Bipolar Dementia Art Chronicles), and that she could only read one-third of it because she had already been through all that. Not pausing for my response, she continued a short monolog, and then abruptly left.
At the meeting, I didn't know whether to indulge her or to ask her to leave for the sake of the others. At one point I told her to take her turn, hoping that would give her a chance to let off some steam. After a long monolog that showed no signs of ending, I said we needed to move on to let others have a chance to speak. She stormed out at that point and the rest of the meeting was relatively peaceful.
Z is a very bright, capable woman and I hate to see her falling into this destructive pattern. At the stage she was in last night, she wasn't ready to listen to anyone. I fear this will mean another hospitalization for her.
I felt inadequate in dealing with Z last night, and also selfish that I wasn't willing to put myself out for her. When I said, "Take care of yourself," as she left, she shouted back, "I don't need your concern. Give me something I can use."
And so I woke up at 2 a.m. and took Ambien in order to go back to sleep. Today I feel dopey and disturbed. My drawing, in reds, reflects this mood:
Drawing #98 11" x 14"
(Note: There is a gap between the dates I'm writing and posting because I had to give myself time to get ahead in case we travel and I'm not able to post.)
