Abstract Art Blog

A Year of Making Art, Day 120: Anxiety Takes Its Toll

August 17, 2007 Day 120

After eating and drinking too much and staying up late the last two nights, I was feeling hung-over this morning.  I noticed at breakfast that I am a bit irritable and anxious as well.  But listening to the Tibetan bells helped calm me down, and I started this morning's drawing peacefully.  The bells inspired me to draw a lot of circles, and blue-green was the color theme I felt in tune with.

   Drawing #122  11" x 14"

I think what may be bothering me is having to go to a backyard birthday party tomorrow at a neighbors.  I enjoy these people very much individually and as a couple, but the thought of facing a large group party makes me sick.  I am getting worse about this as I get older, too.

I even considered flying to Kansas City to my sister Laura's this weekend in order to get out of going.  I actually checked the flights, but there weren't any.  Also, Owen is with us, and he is willing to go to the party, so it is definitely something we should do.

On one hand, I want to give myself permission to refuse all invitations to gatherings of more than four.  I want to give myself permission to never have to entertain people in our home.  On the other hand, I don't want to deprive Adrian of a social life, or to limit our lives so severely.  What do others with social anxiety do about this?  (Right now I am thinking about "being sick" tomorrow and sending Owen and Adrian without me.)

(Note:  There is a gap between the dates I'm writing and posting in order to give me time to get ahead in case we travel and I'm not able to post.)

A Year of Making Art, Day 119: When We Don't Know What to Do Next

August 16, 2007  Day 119

In this morning's drawing, I started out with two cool black lines creating an hourglass, but then I seemed to get lost.  Nothing I did made sense, and the drawing quickly turned into a problem that needed solving.  When I don't know what to do next, I've found it best to just keep making marks, and eventually the supervisor in my brain will turn off and let the creative process happen.  I think that's when listening to music can be helpful, to seduce the supervisor into taking a nap.

  Drawing #121  11" x 14"

Adrian's son Owen arrived on Tuesday morning at 7 a.m. after driving all night.  They are both off now working at the Compos Mentis farm where Adrian volunteers once a week.  Outdoor work with soil, plants, and animals can be a healing process for many, though not for me.  I would rather work with paint, clay, or ink to find peace of mind.

(Note:  There is a gap between the dates I'm writing and posting in order to give me time to get ahead in case we travel and I'm not able to post.)

A Year of Making Art, Day 118: Humor As a Prescription for Mental Health

August 15, 2007  Day 118

Mike and I did end up playing ping-pong and badminton yesterday afternoon, as well as attempting to make a video of my drawings.  I held the camera while he removed one drawing at a time on the stack.  The first few attempts were total failures, and then we did one we thought might work, but we couldn't upload it from the camera to the computer.  I need to learn more about making videos and manipulating them.

In this morning's drawing, I got heavily involved in color again, and it seemed that that was all it would be until I started adding some black lines.  I signed it and walked away, and then went back and filled in more color.  Later I added more black lines.  The next time I looked at it, I added some green.  And the last time, I filled in some areas with red.  Is it done now?

  Drawing #120  11" x 14"

We had our bipolar meeting last night, and it was really a lot of fun (the opposite of the last one, which was excruciatingly stressful).  Everyone had a horror story to tell, but we all laughed at ourselves.  Being able to see the humor in disaster is really important for mental health.  If we can laugh, even through our tears, we have a shot at making it.

(Note:  There is a gap between the dates I'm writing and posting because I had to give myself time to get ahead in case we travel and I'm not able to post.)

A Year of Making Art, Day 117: Falling into an Art Rut

August 14, 2007  Day 117

Today Blixy dropped Mike off at 7 a.m. to spend the day with me.  He said he wanted to earn some money, so I had him help me clean out the whole studio.  We moved everything and vacuumed up cobwebs, spiders and other accumulated dust and dirt.  It's a big job, and one I haven't tackled in at least a year.

But before we began our clean-up project, I made today's drawing, which started out quite unpromising.  I seem to be in a rut again, fighting with the process instead of simply engaging in it.  I feel as if I'm missing an opportunity to use line more effectively.  I fill in color as if I were painting instead of drawing.

  Drawing #119  14" x 11"

Mike is out riding Adrian's bike.  He was bored after lunch, wanting to play ping-pong or badminton, while I am just exhausted from the work we did this morning.  I'll have a cup of tea and hopefully find the energy to play with him.

(Note:  There is a gap between the dates I'm writing and posting because I had to give myself time to get ahead in case we travel and I'm not able to post.)

A Year of Making Art, Day 116: When Consistency Is a Good Thing

August 13, 2007  Day 116

In this morning's drawing I made the mistake of making some freehand circles and lines, and then switching to exact lines drawn with a ruler.  Actually, the mistake was not using a compass and ruler in the first place.  Mixing the freehand and the exact did not work here.  After a lot of effort trying to make the drawing work, I finally felt that if I kept at it, I would only make it worse.

  Drawing #118  14" x 11"

Today when Adrian took two paintings to my packer, the place was closed with a small sign that said it would reopen in a couple of days.  That meant Adrian and I had to pack the paintings, which we finally managed to do with a lot of sweat and aggravation.  At least now I know what I pay my packer for.  It is definitely worth it.

(Note:  There is a gap between the dates I'm writing and posting because I had to give myself time to get ahead in case we travel and I'm not able to post.)

A Year of Making Art, Day 115: Joy in the Moment

August 12, 2007  Day 115

This morning I listened to Tibetan Bells III: The Empty Mirror by Henry Wolff and Nancy Hennings.  These meditative tones led me into a peaceful journey with the brush pens, which led to a looser, more open result.

  Drawing #117  14" x 11"

Yesterday I went on a walk in the woods with Adrian and Roxy, the neighbor's black lab.  The air was fresh and a delightful breeze made me exclaim, "This is wonderful!  Why don't I do it every day?"

Alas, I will mourn summer's end, just as I say at the end of winter, "Why didn't I go cross-country skiing when I had the chance?"

Finding the joy in THIS MOMENT is what eludes me.

(Note:  There is a gap between the dates I'm writing and posting because I had to give myself time to get ahead in case we travel and I'm not able to post.)

A Year of Making Art, Day 114: The Power of Intersecting Lines

August 11, 2007  Day 114

This morning's drawing was inspired by a YouTube video of Kathleen Virginia making an abstract drawing.  I began my own drawing with intersecting lines, as she did, though mine were freehand and therefore not quite  as precise.  I began with a rainbow of colors, and then played with other design elements to give the drawing interest and movement.

  Drawing #116  14" x 11"

More and more art seems to be appearing on YouTube.  I have three videos up now and hope to add others, if I ever have the time.  I don't know how to do the time-lapse thing where the slow process of painting or drawing is speeded up, but it's fun to watch.  You can find my art videos at  YouTube Artbylt Videos.

(Note:  There is a gap between the dates I'm writing and posting because I had to give myself time to get ahead in case we travel and I'm not able to post.)

A Year of Making Art, Day 113: Drawing What I Love

August 10, 2007  Day 113

Reminding myself this morning to "draw what I love" instead of "drawing for approval," I began to play with some design elements centered on a rainbow of colors.  First, I organized my calligraphy pens into a sequence of shades, and then began to draw.

  Drawing #114  14" x 11"

My first effort seemed more of a simple design rather than a fully developed drawing, so I started another one.  A "mistake" made early on led me to repeat it, and then to continue working around it, in my usual problem-solving way.  I'm not sure this one "works" as a drawing either, but at least I explored it a lot further.

  Drawing #115  14" x 11"

We finally got some rain and a subsequent cooling, which felt good this morning when we had breakfast on our screened-in porch.  I tend to love rainy days, because then I feel it's OK to stay inside and work.

I've been putting the finishing touches on completed canvases this week, getting them ready to present as a group on my website.  Then it will be time to stretch new canvases.  The cycle continues.

(Note:  There is a gap between the dates I'm writing and posting because I had to give myself time to get ahead in case we travel and I'm not able to post.)

A Year of Making Art, Day 112: Seeking Validation

August 9, 2007  Day 112

Alert from August 23:  Today the Caudal Swap Meet website featured my print of Culmination on their site.

Back to August 9:  As I struggled with my drawing this morning, finding myself pushed this way and that, I thought about being validated in our work.  Will those who read my art blog think this drawing is good?  I have lots of fans among readers and clients who love my art, but is that enough?

No matter how much we accomplish in our careers, there will always be someone further ahead and someone further behind.  To seek validation "out there" in the larger world is, therefore, destined to fail if we are seeking a final seal of approval.  There is no harm in enjoying whatever successes we find, but fruitless to base our overall satisfaction on these results.

I'm afraid that in my case, no amount of outside validation would ever be enough, anyway.  I need to continually remind myself to please me, to seek validation in my own approval, to draw and paint what I love.

  Drawing 113  14" x 11"

Yesterday was a busy one with Mike and Rachel--going to the Science Center, playing Galaxy Golf, board games, cards--and then we made the mistake of going swimming immediately after lunch.  Within an hour, Mike had a headache and a stomachache, and I didn't feel so hot either.  A heat index of 107 didn't help.  So we went home and spent the rest of the day relaxing.

(Note:  There is a gap between the dates I'm writing and posting because I had to give myself time to get ahead in case we travel and I'm not able to post.)

A Year of Making Art, Day 111: Light and Frivolous

August 8, 2007  Day 111

Today is the birthday of a woman I know from childhood.  It's amazing how I can remember stuff from years ago, but not what happened last week.

I did my drawing at 6:30 a.m. because Blixy is droppping off Mike and Rachel any minute.  We will spend the day playing games, tennis, swimming, ping-pong--it will be a pure day of fun.  I tried to make my drawing the same, using a lighter, more frivolous touch with spring colors.

  Drawing #112  11" x 14"

(Note:  There is a gap between the dates I'm writing and posting because I had to give myself time to get ahead in case we travel and I'm not able to post.)