Abstract Art Blog

A Year of Making Art, Day 346: Sleepless at Three A.M.

March 31, 2008  Day 346

Last night I woke up at 3:30 a.m. and couldn't get back to sleep.  At 4:45 I decided to get up since I had set the alarm for 6:15 anyway in order to get Mike and Rachel off to school this morning.

I made my drawing before anyone else got up:

  Drawing #353  11" x 14"

After that, the kids got up and had breakfast and I took them to school.  Then Owen and I took Adrian to the doctor's office.  It turns out that he has a torn Achilles' tendon in his left leg and will probably have a cast put on in a couple of days.

I just had time to have a bite of lunch and put a chicken in the oven before it was time to get the kids from school again.  Now they are playing computer games for ten more minutes before getting ready for bed.

(Note: There is a gap between the dates I'm writing and posting in order to give me time to get ahead.)

A Year of Making Art, Day 341: Primary Colors

March 26, 2008  Day 341

Blixy called at 8 a.m. to see if I could take Rachel to the orthodontist today, which I did.  She is now at a neighbors playing with a 12-year-old (Rachel is 9 and loves to play with older girls).

I used mainly primary colors today, with accents in a fine-point black pen.  I used a template for most of the circles, and a ruler for the straight lines.

  Drawing #348  11" x 14"

Adrian went out late this afternoon with Roxy.  This is his first day taking her out since he fell and hurt his leg.  I just hope he doesn't overdo it.

There is a strong paint smell in here because half my studio floor was painted this morning.  Tomorrow we'll move all the furniture to the other side so that this half can be painted.

(Note: There is a gap between the dates I'm writing and posting in order to give me time to get ahead.)

A Year of Making Art, Day 329: No Peace of Mind

March 14, 2008  Day 329

The dinner party (see previous post) went swimmingly, and I was fairly relaxed instead of worrying if everyone was having a good time or getting nervous if there was a lull in the conversation.  The food was great, but that's a given when I make a dinner party.

I didn't sleep well that night, though, because I was worried about shipping another large painting.  The owner of our local Pak-Mail promised to come at 9 a.m. with a trailer to pick up the box (63" x 63" x 5") from me and the print (55" x 55") from my printmaker.  But our little private road is next to impossible to find, and access at my printmaker's offers no place for a trailer to turn around in.  After a few glitches, everything eventually turned out fine, but I can't seem to get through these things without losing a night's sleep first.

With this chaotic beginning to the day, and having to pick up Mike and Rachel after school, I didn't have the peace of mind I needed for today's drawing.  I kept returning to work on it some more, and finally gave up:

Drawing #336  14" x 11"

(Note: There is a gap between the dates I'm writing and posting in order to give me time to get ahead.)

A Year of Making Art, Day 328: Packing and Shipping Pains

March 13, 2008  Day 328

Instead of a nap yesterday afternoon (see previous post), I went on a great hike with my neighbor.  The trail we go on is hilly, and it was covered with a mixture of snow, crusted ice, and mud.  In a few weeks it will be total mud and swampy water.

This morning I tried to get a 51" x 51" box inside my Honda Element, and it wouldn't fit.  I remembered getting this size in before, so I don't know what went wrong.  We finally took a seat out and eventually had success.  The worst thing about my art business is the packing and shipping, especially with the larger paintings.

I finally got around to my drawing for the day, and as it took shape, I thought of dunes:

Drawing #335  14" x 11"

Tonight we are having company for dinner, and that always makes me anxious.  But Laura is coming over to help, and that will ease my nerves.

(Note: There is a gap between the dates I'm writing and posting in order to give me time to get ahead.)

A Year of Making Art, Day 319: Jazzy Improvisation

March 3, 2008  Day 319

 

Here are a few more photos from my past art exhibitions:

  Gallery for the Arts, Mt. Sterling, Kentucky

Adrian and Lynne, Soho South, West Palm Beach, FL

  Soho South

  Lynne at Tompkins Cortland Community College Exhibit

Last night I was up for a couple of hours worrying.  I took a sleeping pill, but that didn't work right away, so I got up and played solitaire.  One thing I was worried about was the hassle of shipping the new prints I am offering.  They are so large that they won't fit in my Honda Element or in any ordinary van.  But as I played cards, I realized that if I couldn't find a good solution, I could just eliminate that size.

This morning Adrian solved the problem by checking with our packer, Pak-mail.  The owner has a trailer that will hold whatever size I make, and agreed to pick them up when I need her to.  Phew!

I did my drawing early today because Jim and Laura were coming over to help us move all the furniture in the studio so the new wall can be built tomorrow.  The drawing is kind of a hectic, jazzy improvisation:

  Drawing #325  11" x 14"

Right after Jim and Laura arrived, a tractor-trailer driver showed up at the door.  He said he was down at the main road with a delivery of flat files for me.  "We don't go on private roads," he said.  So Jim and I drove down in the Element and I backed up to the truck.  There were two skids, each very heavy, but Jim and the driver managed to get one loaded.  Then they rode on the tailgate as I drove it up to the garage, and they unloaded it.  We did the next one the same way.  I am a terrible backer-upper, but I knew I had to do it, so I did.

The good news is, it's 50 degrees out today and most of the snow and ice has turned to mush.

Why did we pick this lot to build a house and studio on?

After that adventure, we moved tons of shipping boxes into the garage, and then moved all the furniture in the studio--some to the basement, and some to one end of the studio.  Tomorrow our contractor will begin the wall, as well as coating the floor with a protective finish.

 

(Note: There is a gap between the dates I'm writing and posting in order to give me time to get ahead.)

A Year of Making Art, Day 249: Hating the Holiday Season

December 24, 2007  Day 249

I really hate the holiday season.  Our son Eric flies to Florida by himself every year at this time in order to avoid it.  Neighbors come over with home-baked goodies--a tradition I stupidly started the year we moved here.  If family is not around, one can't help but be depressed.  If they are around, there is too much eating and drinking and not enough exercise.

My clients are testy because they don't understand why they can't get what they ordered by Christmas.  I have to get out cards to my business mailing list, write a holiday letter, and send it to our family and friends.  We are not religous people, so the holiday means nothing in that sense.  But culturally, my family has celebrated Christmas forever, and Adrian's family celebrates Hanukah.  We feel obligated to go through the motions.

Writing this makes me think I should do something different next year.  If I can't insert a sincere goodwill in my holiday cards, what's the point in sending them?  If I'm too fat and exhausted to enjoy visitors, why should I invite them?

Last night we stayed up late and slept until 10 a.m.  Groggily, I made today's drawing in browns and tans:

   Drawing #254  14" x 11"

I went out and bought a 12 pound turkey to cook tomorrow, when Blixy and her family will come to celebrate Christmas.  The holiday drummer marches on.

Next year I'm planning two weeks in a warm, exotic place where nobody knows how to spell Xmas.  Does one exist?

(Note:  There is a gap between the dates I'm writing and posting in order to give me time to get ahead.)

A Year of Making Art, Day 246: A Frazzled Day

December 21, 2007  Day 246

It has been a frazzled day, beginning by my waking up at 2 a.m. and not getting back to sleep until 5 a.m.  Then I slept in until 9 and have been off ever since.  Jim and Laura are still here, Owen arrived at noon, and I had to pick up the kids at 2.  My car had no gas, so I took Adrian's, but then on the way home as we stopped for an errand, I couldn't get the driver's door open.  Earlier, a client called wanting to know when their order would arrive.  Well, with the holidays, nothing is going to arrive on time!

After dropping the kids off at the house, I rushed to the optical office to give them my new prescription and some old frames, and was told it will take two weeks for the glasses to be ready.  That means I won't have them for our trip to California on January 2.

In any case, I managed to make my drawing for the day, using browns and tans:

   Drawing #251  12" x 9"

(Note:  There is a gap between the dates I'm writing and posting in order to give me time to get ahead.)

A Year of Making Art, Day 239: Holiday Stress

December 14, 2007  Day 239

In this morning's drawing, my attempt at looseness slipped into sloppy--an assortment of lines that didn't want to work together no matter how I tried to coerce them:

   Drawing #244  12" x 9"

It is ten days before Christmas, and I'm planning to be depressed at that time.  Laura and Jim will leave on the 22nd, and we have nothing planned until January 2, when we are flying to California for a week.  I will try to work during that time, but I know there will be a letdown after Laura leaves.

Adrian and I don't really make much of Christmas or New Years, so they become dead times where you try to act as if it's a normal day, but you know it's not.  I think our son Eric has the right idea--he goes to Florida every year during this time.

For anyone who is bipolar or prone to depression, the holidays are typically extra stressful, whether you spend them alone or with family.  It's good to be aware of the potential danger, and to take better care of ourselves during those times.

(Note:  There is a gap between the dates I'm writing and posting in order to give me time to get ahead.)

A Year of Making Art, Day 206: Pressure, pressure, pressure

November 11, 2007  Day 206

Today I made my drawing in late afternoon, and for some reason I was relaxed and had a lot of fun with it.  I didn't worry about containing myself within the page, but swept the pens freely from edge to edge.

  Drawing #211  12" x 9"

I could not sleep last night and spent some time agonizing over everything that was on my mind, feeling pressure to make some changes and to ease up on myself.  This morning I talked to my sister Laura, who is always a good sounding-board for me when I'm going through this kind of analysis.  After talking to her, I canceled my commitment to give a workshop on internet marketing for artists next summer.  Too often I just say "yes" to any opportunity that comes along, and then I'm sorry later.

It's been too long since I have had time to paint.  I need to clear off my desk and find that space to do my own creative work.

(Note:  There is a gap between the dates I'm writing and posting in order to give me time to get ahead.)

A Year of Making Art, Day 198: Performance Anxiety

November 3, 2007  Day 198

All day today, I've been sluggish, mildly depressed, and anxious.  I couldn't figure out what was bugging me at first, but finally realized it must be the fact that I am going to be on two panel discussions next week:  one for artists and one for writers.  They are both on topics that I know a lot about, so I assumed I'd be relaxed about it.  Unfortunately, my performance anxiety never lets me relax when I have to appear before a group of people.

The solution, I figure, is to prepare really well for both events.  I had been putting it off since I'm busy with other things, but now it's time to get started.

We also have my sister Laura's husband Jim arriving tomorrow to stay with us for a week or two.  He is a photographer and is coming to check out Ithaca as a place to live and do his art (Jim's Eyes Digital Photography).  Laura is not coming with him (she was here for ten days earlier in the month), so I guess I'm a little nervous about making sure he has a great time while he's here.

In any case, I did a drawing this morning in full color, and had to call in black and gray to rescue the overwhelming clash:

  Drawing #203  12" x 9"

Maybe I'm just worried about the cataract operations coming up at the end of the month!  For an artist, having her eyes operated on is definitely a scary proposition.  Will my art look different to me afterwards?  Will something go wrong?  Yikes!

(Note:  There is a gap between the dates I'm writing and posting in order to give me time to get ahead.)

A Year of Making Art, Day 175: Are We All Hypochondriacs?

October 11, 2007  Day 175

I'm going to live after all! 

We laugh at Woody Allen's hypochondria, and I often think that Adrian obsesses too much over his health issues, but I'm as bad or worse.  Two weeks ago when I took my blood pressure, the monitor indicated I had an irregular heartbeat, and the manual said "call your doctor" if this happens.  After I did, the doctor's nurse told me to cut out caffeine and to come in for an EKG.  I immediately went to straight decaf in the morning and a single cup of green tea in the afternoon.  I also doubled my blood pressure (BP) meds because I couldn't seem to get the numbers down.

But what I didn't realize was how worried I had been about it all.  Since I got home from the doc's office this afternoon, I feel immensely relieved.  He said that we all have an irregular heartbeat occasionally and that if I don't have symptoms, such as palpitations, then I shouldn't worry about it.  He even said one cup of coffee a day was OK.

In this morning's drawing, I comfortably drew with black and gray pens, both fine point and calligraphy.  Then I used the brush pens to fill in some highlights.

  Drawing #177

Last night Adrian arrived in drizzling rain at the Ithaca airport, back from his California trip.  It's great to have him back even if life is more chaotic than when I'm home alone.  He is out walking Roxy now.  The poor dog has been pining away for him all week.

In two days the Art Trail open studio weekends start.  I'm keeping my expectations very low, but it's good to know my studio is clean, organized, and ready for the hordes.

(Note:  There is a gap between the dates I'm writing and posting in order to give me time to get ahead in case we travel and I'm not able to post.)

A Year of Making Art, Day 172: The Tao of Time

October 8, 2007  Day 172

Today I woke up at 6 a.m., with huge to-do lists facing me.  I am trying to be more "in the moment," living NOW instead of in the past or future, but it's hard when I'm trying to remember to do a zillion things.  OK, that's how everyone feels in today's fast-paced world, isn't it?

Mostly, I'm just trying to slow down and focus on what I'm doing at the moment.  I've been browsing a book called The Tao of Time, hoping to find a more peaceful approach to my life.  It's really geared to people who have jobs with meetings and all kinds of appointments.  Now THEY are run by the clock.  I shouldn't be, since I am self-employed and have very few meetings or appointments.  I theoretically can paint all day if I want to. 

So much for theory.

I thought I was crazy starting to get ready for the Art Trail on Sunday, when it isn't happening until this coming weekend.  But today, after I have been breaking my back preparing, and see how much is left to do, I'm glad I started early!  The reward will be a sparkling clean and organized studio.

What can I say about this morning's drawing?  Whimsical? 

  Drawing #174  11" x 14"

(Note:  There is a gap between the dates I'm writing and posting in order to give me time to get ahead in case we travel and I'm not able to post.)

A Year of Making Art, Day 154: Following One's Instincts

September 20, 2007  Day 154

Today I started out tense and irritable, feelings that spilled over into my drawing.  This one was way too cerebral.  The feeble attempt at symbolism or surrealism did not work.  Adding color helped a little.  I signed it only as a reminder to myself of what can happen when I try too hard to be clever.

  Drawing #156  11" x 14"

Then, finally, I got back to painting.  I had been working on four canvases at the time Laura arrived, and I got back to three of them today.  And that was what I needed to break this awful mood. 

I had heard conflicting opinions from relatives and friends about the state of completion of these canvases.  Most people loved one that I considered clearly unfinished.  I'm so glad I ignored all the opinions and went to work on it anyway.  I don't know how this one will end up, but I feel better about following my own instincts instead of listening to the crowd.

  Canvas #20 40" x 40" (I destroy what everyone loved.)

  Canvas 19  36" x 36"

  Canvas 21  36" x 36"

(Note:  There is a gap between the dates I'm writing and posting in order to give me time to get ahead in case we travel and I'm not able to post.)

A Year of Making Art, Day 145: Book Club Meeting a Success

September 11, 2007  Day 145

Last night's book club discussion was a success (see previous post).  We had three times as many people as usual, which was intimidating at first, but the large number meant there were lots of people to talk about the book.  All I had to do was to pose some questions and issues.  Laura said she enjoyed it, too, and tonight she'll come with me to my bipolar support group meeting.

In this morning's drawing, I went back to black, using a calligraphy pen and a fine point Nexus pen.  I'm not unhappy with the final result:

  Drawing #147  11" x 14"

This afternoon we are going to look at houses.  Laura would love to move here, but I think they are going to end up in Florida.

(Note:  There is a gap between the dates I'm writing and posting in order to give me time to get ahead in case we travel and I'm not able to post.)

A Year of Making Art, Day 144: Anxious?

September 10, 2007  Day 144

Today is Elsie Stoessel's birthday.  She was my ex-mother-in-law, and a great lady:  a lover of books, art and nature.  She always stood by me and Blixy, and I chronicle her last years in my memoir, The Bipolar Dementia Art Chronicles. 

I didn't understand why I felt anxious this morning, but just realized it's because I am the leader of tonight's book group discussion on The Pickup by Nadine Gordimer.  It was a great book and my sister Laura will go with me.  The meeting is at my friend and neighbor's house, so all in all, this should be low-stress.  Should be.

In this morning's drawing, I used my favorite combination of reds to purple and orange, creating an egg-like shape filled with bright patterns.  A new set of calligraphy pens is arriving this week with 42 colors, so I'm looking forward to having more shades to work with.

  Drawing #146  11" x 14"

It's a gray day here, wet and muddy since it rained most of yesterday.  Laura and I got in a walk when it slowed down, and then we all watched Federer beat Jokovitch in the US Open tennis final.

(Note:  There is a gap between the dates I'm writing and posting in order to give me time to get ahead in case we travel and I'm not able to post.)

A Year of Making Art, Day 135: Anxiety + Irritability

September 1, 2007  Day 135

This morning at breakfast, after I pissed Adrian off, he said, "I won't talk to you about anything personal again."  Just as he doesn't really listen to me when I want to vent, I don't listen to him either.  We are both tense.

And thus, I started this morning's drawing with black and gray, staying with it, making patterns and then adding emphasis by texturing spaces with fine lines.  I may not know what I'm doing, but within a narrow context I can work to make a drawing better.

   Drawing #137  11" x 14"

I'm listening to Leonard Cohen these days.  When I can't listen to anything else, I can always listen to Leonard Cohen.

Tonight we are having neighbors over for dessert after dinner.  This is our compromise, a way to have a social life without a huge obligation, like a dinner-party.  But somehow, I am just as freaked out by it.  Once again, I am "waiting for the day to be over" so I can breathe freely again.  Will I ever get past this?

One idea I had was to have friends over every weekend until I get used to it, but at what cost?

It is pitiful how sorry I'm feeling for myself right now.

Later:  I made myself paint today just to get past the crappy feelings, and it helped a lot.  Here's the progress I made on these two conavases:

   Canvas #20  40" x 40"

   Canvas #22  40" x 40"

(Note:  There is a gap between the dates I'm writing and posting in order to give me time to get ahead in case we travel and I'm not able to post.)

A Year of Making Art, Day 122: Anxiety Cure Works

August 19, 2007  Day 122

Yesterday, by easing the obligation I felt to go to our neighbors' back-yard party (see previous post), I was able to relax enough to actually enjoy it.  Adrian stayed an hour and I stayed for two-and-a-half hours.  It wasn't always comfortable, or easy to talk to people, but overall I had a good time and I was really glad I had gone.

Since yesterday's drawing was so strongly symmetrical and patterned, I went in the opposite direction this morning.  I used mostly brush pens in a very sketch-like manner to develop the shapes and movement.  I also used more conservative colors for a toned-down effect.

   Drawing #124  11" x 14"

(Note:  There is a gap between the dates I'm writing and posting in order to give me time to get ahead in case we travel and I'm not able to post.)

A Year of Making Art, Day 120: Anxiety Takes Its Toll

August 17, 2007 Day 120

After eating and drinking too much and staying up late the last two nights, I was feeling hung-over this morning.  I noticed at breakfast that I am a bit irritable and anxious as well.  But listening to the Tibetan bells helped calm me down, and I started this morning's drawing peacefully.  The bells inspired me to draw a lot of circles, and blue-green was the color theme I felt in tune with.

   Drawing #122  11" x 14"

I think what may be bothering me is having to go to a backyard birthday party tomorrow at a neighbors.  I enjoy these people very much individually and as a couple, but the thought of facing a large group party makes me sick.  I am getting worse about this as I get older, too.

I even considered flying to Kansas City to my sister Laura's this weekend in order to get out of going.  I actually checked the flights, but there weren't any.  Also, Owen is with us, and he is willing to go to the party, so it is definitely something we should do.

On one hand, I want to give myself permission to refuse all invitations to gatherings of more than four.  I want to give myself permission to never have to entertain people in our home.  On the other hand, I don't want to deprive Adrian of a social life, or to limit our lives so severely.  What do others with social anxiety do about this?  (Right now I am thinking about "being sick" tomorrow and sending Owen and Adrian without me.)

(Note:  There is a gap between the dates I'm writing and posting in order to give me time to get ahead in case we travel and I'm not able to post.)

A Year of Making Art: Day 97

July 25, 2007  Day 97

Last night's bipolar support group meeting was very upsetting.  One of our long-time members was manic and very aggressively attacking everything others said.  The person who was supposed to facilitate did not show up, as well as many of our regulars.  That left me to facilitate with Z acting crazy.  At the same time we had one brand new person and another second-timer, who sounded a bit manic himself.

Just before the meeting, Adrian, John and I had an early dinner at a restaurant downtown, eating at outdoor tables on the sidewalk.  Z showed up and I asked her to join us.  She started out by saying that she didn't like the title of my book (The Bipolar Dementia Art Chronicles), and that she could only read one-third of it because she had already been through all that.  Not pausing for my response, she continued a short monolog, and then abruptly left. 

At the meeting, I didn't know whether to indulge her or to ask her to leave for the sake of the others.  At one point I told her to take her turn, hoping that would give her a chance to let off some steam.  After a long monolog that showed no signs of ending, I said we needed to move on to let others have a chance to speak.  She stormed out at that point and the rest of the meeting was relatively peaceful. 

Z is a very bright, capable woman and I hate to see her falling into this destructive pattern.  At the stage she was in last night, she wasn't ready to listen to anyone.  I fear this will mean another hospitalization for her.

I felt inadequate in dealing with Z last night, and also selfish that I wasn't willing to put myself out for her.  When  I said, "Take care of yourself," as she left, she shouted back, "I don't need your concern.  Give me something I can use."

And so I woke up at 2 a.m. and took Ambien in order to go back to sleep.  Today I feel dopey and disturbed.  My drawing, in reds, reflects this mood:

  Drawing #98  11" x 14"

(Note:  There is a gap between the dates I'm writing and posting because I had to give myself time to get ahead in case we travel and I'm not able to post.)

A Year of Making Art: Day 91

July 19, 2007  Day 91

My drawing this morning seemed very unlikely to succeed.  I was just making marks, quickly, without paying attention to their influence on each other.  Am I bored with drawing?  I managed to pull it together, barely.

  Drawing #92, 14" x 11"

Today is the art show at the Syracuse Technology Garden.  I will pick up Mike and Rachel this afternoon, and then we will meet Blixy after work at Tompkins Cortland Community College in Dryden, and drive together to the reception.  There is nothing to be nervous about here:  15 artists and lots of people I know.  But still, what shall I wear?

(Note:  There is a gap between the dates I'm writing and posting because I had to give myself time to get ahead in case we travel and I'm not able to post.)

A Year of Making Art: Day 87

July 15, 2007  Day 87

I was paralyzed for most of yesterday afternoon and evening.  I tried to read a book, Later at the Bar by Rebecca Barry, but could not get into the stories.  Judging from the reviews I had read, I thought this would be a fun read, but all I felt during the process was more irritated that I'd spent money on it.  Don't judge this book by my review, however, as I doubt there was anything that would have pleased me yesterday.

This morning I started to have an inkling about what was going on.  I am worried about everything because a) I take myself too seriously, and b) I demand perfection.  I think it's time to reread the Zanders' book The Art of Possibility and learn its valuable lessons again.

My drawing this morning is a bit too colorful, perhaps, but I wanted to make something light and free and fun.  Not easy to do when you're down on yourself.

  Drawing #88  14" x 11"

I started listening to Don McLean's cd, American Pie, which was a little bit of a disappointment.  I like it, but not enough to listen to over and over.  Part of the reason I bought it was for the song Starry Starry Night about Vincent Van Gogh, but now I remember that the haunting version I had loved years ago was sung by a woman.  Anyone know who that was?

After I finished drawing, I tackled the problem canvas again.  I thought I would make some big changes in it, give myself a fresh take, but I seemed to compulsively rework what had already been started.  It was as if the image had a life of its own that refused to die.  And so, at the end of this painting session, here is where it's at:

  Canvas 12  40" x 40"

(Note:  There is a gap between the dates I'm writing and posting because I had to give myself time to get ahead in case we travel and I'm not able to post.)

A Year of Making Art: Day 85

July 12, 2007  Day 85

I did my drawing and painting today, but totally forgot about writing this blog entry.  It is 7 p.m. on a Friday night and I am ready to crash.

Last night I woke up at 2:30 a.m. and knew I would not be falling back asleep any time soon, so I took an Ambien.  That left me a bit groggy most of the day.  I drank an extra cup of coffee at lunch because I had to give a talk with a friend of mine about mental health issues to a summer class of incoming students at Cornell.  This was about the most low-key gig you can imagine, with the topic of "me and my mental health"--one I can talk about easily with no prep.  Yet it still kept me awake last night.

This morning's drawing was done mostly with the Zigg pens.  I am having a hard time getting used to the Pitt brush pens. 

  Drawing #86, 11" x 14"

I worked again on this painting, but it still needs more:

  Canvas #12, 40" x 40"

The talk at Cornell went very well, by the way, with the students asking us lots of questions.  It's always fun to talk to students when they are interested and ask questions.  Otherwise, I find it hell.

Owen did not come as planned and it is unclear when or if he will.  I cleaned the bathrooms for nothing.

(Note:  There is a gap between the dates I'm writing and posting because I had to give myself time to get ahead in case we travel and I'm not able to post.) 

A Year of Making Art: Day 69

June 27, 2007  Day 69

This morning I got an email from my client, and she still wants the original size painting for the commission she ordered.  So I am back to worrying about when I will have time to finish it.  I did some work on it this morning while Adrian took granddaughter Rebecca out with our neighbor's black lab, Roxy.  Now I have to let this layer dry before working on it again.  And tomorrow we are going to Niagara Falls for two nights with Blixy, Mike and Rachel.  Blixy talked us into staying at an expensive hotel, which we would never spend the money on normally.  How did I raise her?

Actually, she goes on so few vacations that she figures it's worth it to have the best when she does.  And we will have a view of the falls from our window.  I said we'd better get there early and stay late to make the most of it.  I want to stand in front of that window and get my money's worth!

In my drawing this morning, I imitated the style of the commission I'm painting, with changes to fit this medium, of course.  I used a fade-in from pale yellow-green to deep blue, whereas the painting is blended from pale yellows to deep reds. 

  Drawing #70  14" x 11"

This afternoon I promised Rebecca we would do an art project together.  I have taught a number of subjects in my life, but never art.  I have always thought of art as my private space and had no desire to share it with anyone.  It was bad enough teaching creative writing.  All the arts, I think, are difficult in that way.  You can demonstrate how to use materials and tools.  You can talk about what makes a story or painting interesting.  You can model creative behavior and inspire.  But can you really teach anyone how to paint abstract art?

As for Adrian, the neurologist is not sure he even had a stroke, but has ordered some tests.  There is nothing more for us to do except call 911 if he has symptoms again.

(Note:  There is a gap between the dates I'm writing and posting because I had to give myself time to get ahead in case we travel and I'm not able to post.)

A Year of Making Art: Day 67

June 25, 2007  Day 67

This morning I have a sense of foreboding, but no reason I can think of for it.  I had trouble getting into my drawing, and for most of it, I thought it would not come together.  But the thing to do is to persist, to keep working, and eventually I was satisfied.

  Drawing #68  14" x 11"

Our houseguests are leaving today, but another granddaughter from California is arriving tomorrow.  Rebecca is twelve years old and loves making art, so I'm sure she won't mind if I paint in the mornings.  Maybe she'll want to paint along with me.

(Note:  There is a gap between the dates I'm writing and posting because I had to give myself time to get ahead in case we travel and I'm not able to post.)

A Year of Making Art: Day 55

June 13, 2007:  Day 55

Last night I had my bipolar support group meeting, and one thing I noted was that everyone there suffers from anxiety in one form or another--some with the "waking up at 4 a.m." syndrome, others with full panic attacks where they rushed to the hospital thinking they were having a heart attack.  Is anxiety a biproduct of mental illness in general?

Or is anxiety a biproduct of our age?  Other artists have mentioned here that they get anxious before giving an art talk, for example.  Any kind of public speaking will produce anxiety in most of us.  But perhaps our fast-paced life with multiple commitments, performances, and uncertainty is contributing to an epidemic of anxiety. 

If we imagine the rural agrarian life which occupied the largest part of our population before the industrial and techological revolutions, it's hard to believe that they were as anxious as we are.  I suppose they could wake up in the middle of the night worrying about getting the hay baled before bad weather set in, but I doubt the anxiety level was as high then as it is now.

We watched the documentary American Masters: Andy Warhol earlier this week.  I had had a prejedice against his work since my art-school days, but I attempted to be open-minded as I watched this mostly positive review of his life and work.  He was obviously a talented illustrator, becoming one of the top-paid commercial artists of his time.  But no matter what favorable rhetoric was spoken about his Campbell Soup Can paintings by art critics, they still did nothing for me.  His celebrity silk-screens were more interesting, though in the end their only purpose seemed to be to generate a lot of money as fast as possible.

This morning my first mark on the paper, a thick orange line, did not lend itself to an easy second or third mark.  In fact, as I added more thick lines in yellow and peach, I thought, "This is going to be one that I can't save."  But I continued, finding a way into it, and at some point I saw a hint of a primitive face.  I accented the features just for fun.

  Drawing #55, 14" x 11"

(Note:  There is a gap between the dates I'm writing and posting because I had to give myself time to get ahead in case we travel and I'm not able to post.)

A Year of Making Art: Day 53

June 11, 2007  Day 53

I didn't sleep well last night, suddenly realizing at 4 a.m. that houseguests will be arriving in ten days and we are totally unprepared.  I felt absolutely wide awake, but somehow managed to fall back to sleep.  After that I selpt on and off with strange dreams until one minute to seven, when I knew the alarm clock was about to ring.

Still, I felt much more like working today, determined to finish stretching canvases so that I can get back to painting again soon.  "Why don't I buy pre-made canvases?" I thought again.  But then I decided that complaining about this was silly.  I had much more flexibility by making my own canvases because I can have any size I want that way.

My drawing this morning was light, airy and cheerful.

  Drawing #53, 14" x 11"

This afternoon I took photos of twelve drawings so that I could post them to my blog.  Then I will meet a friend for a walk at four and go to a book club meeting at seven.  This is all way too much socializing for me, and could be the cause of my sleepless night.

(Note:  There is a gap between the dates I'm writing and posting because I had to give myself time to get ahead in case we travel and I'm not able to post.)

A Year of Making Art: Day 45

June 3, 2007  Day 45

Today is the day of the reception and art talk at Hopper House, so naturally I didn't sleep well last night.  My drawing this morning is a sleepy pastel:

   Drawing #45, 6" x 8"

Owen finally arrived yesterday afternoon and we went for lunch at Strawberry Place.   A dog owner we had met the day before in the park said we simply must eat there.  We asked a waiter what he recommended and ordered the three dishes suggested:  hallah made into French toast and stuffed with fresh fruit, a mother nature omelet, and an "Alvin" sandwich with grilled chicken breast, Dijon honey mustard, cheese, and other ingredients I can't remember.  We shared the dishes and stuffed ourselves.  I had an iced coffee, which might explain my not sleeping well last night.

Later we tried to hike the upper path at the Nyack Beach State Park, but it was too dangerous for Adrian because his balance isn't good.  We had a lovely walk on the lower path instead.

We stopped at Ben Franklin Books in the afternoon, and when I asked the owner whether he was selling used books over the internet, I heard a long sad story.  He told me it had been a great way to sell books until one company monopolized the used-book market by selling everything too cheap.  They would evidently buy books for pennies from libraries, who had gotten the books free in donations.  The story was longer and more complicated, but one lesson to be learned is how quickly things change on the internet.

Our plan today is to take a walk, though if it is as hot and humid as it was yesterday, that might not be a great idea.  After that, we'll have breakfast, and be back by one p.m. so I can get ready for the reception.  Three hours of being "on" to look forward to.  Or, I could look at it this way:  three hours of having people admire my art and talk to me about it.  I'll report tomorrow.

(Note:  There is a gap between the dates I'm writing and posting because I had to give myself time to get ahead in case we travel and I'm not able to post.) 

A Year of Making Art: Day 42

May 31, 2007  Day 42

For the last couple of days I've been worrying that we won't be able to get the five boxes of paintings plus all our luggage into the car for our trip to Nyack.  So this morning, first thing after breakfast, Adrian and I set out to load the boxes in the back of our Honda Element (with the back seats taken out).

First, you need to understand that Adrian and I never work well together on physical tasks.  We do everything the opposite way, communicate poorly, and end up pissed at each other every time.  But we were both trying hard this morning.  I told Adrian at breakfast that I was very nervous and to expect me to be irritable.

I suppose someone good at spatial relations would have figured out ahead of time the best way to get these boxes (three 40" x 40" x 4" and two 44" x 44" x 4") efficiently into the car, but I am not one of them.  I had the idea the boxes should stand upright rather than lie flat on top of each other, in order to better protect the paintings.  Adrian argued that they were packed so well that it wouldn't matter.

"Which side is the longest?" asked Adrian, as we struggled with one box.

"They're square!  If I didn't paint square paintings, we wouldn't have these problems," I lamented.

And so, on our third or fourth try, putting boxes in the car and taking them out again, we finally got it to work.

"This is the way I wanted to do it in the first place," said Adrian.

"You were right and I was wrong.  Does that make you feel better?"

"No."

So then I went to the drawing board to make today's art.  Drawing is always hardest to do on the morning of a long trip.  I just want to get packed and on the road, so I am impatient and jumpy.  My words for this drawing were: "Nervous." "Aggravation." "Prisoner." "Hysteric."

I am the prisoner of my moods and emotions, turning into a hysteric when I let them rule me.  But hey, the paintings fit in the car, there is plenty of room for our luggage, and now that I've made my drawing for the day, I feel more relaxed.

  Drawing #41, 8" x 6"

(Note:  There is a gap between the dates I'm writing and posting because I had to give myself time to get ahead in case we travel and I'm not able to post.) 

A Year of Making Art: Day 41

May 30, 2007: Day 41

This is the day before our trip to Nyack, and fraught with worries about remembering to bring everything we'll need.  But always, the main question is what to wear at the reception.  First, I'll check the weather forecast.

There is a fifty percent chance of precipitation with thunderstorms, high of 76 degrees.  I think that means wear summer clothing.  Best to bring layers.  And rain gear.

I have no clothes for "dressing up," or at least none that I like.  My daily attire is for comfort only.  Female artists are supposed to have that classic black dress to wear to openings.  My sister Laura sent me a black short-sleeved top that I like.  I wore it to an opening at an art show in her town two years ago.  She always has the right thing in her closet for me to wear.

Dressing for openings gets harder as you get older.  When you are young, it really doesn't matter much.  Youth always looks good, even though I didn't know that when I was young.  Maybe it's all in your perspective.

The only opening I felt perfectly comfortable at in the last twenty years was one in Ithaca this past January at the Upstairs Gallery.  I had absolutely no expectations for that show, and there was no one I felt I had to impress.  I normally corral Blixy or Adrian into keeping me company at these things, but I gave them the night off.  They each showed up briefly, but I had plenty of local artists to talk to and didn't need them.

What I hate most is standing at a reception wondering what to do with yourself during the dead times when no one is talking to you.  Should I pretend to be contemplating my own paintings on the walls?  A glass of wine helps, but you don't want to overdo that, either.

There is no reason I should be nervous about this art opening.  There will be three of us showing, so the art talk will be a joint project, and we can keep each other company when traffic is slow.  One of the artists is from the Nyack area, though, and will probably have lots of friends coming.  Three hours is a long time to stand around no matter how well it goes.

In any case, I'm bringing some Ambien along in case I can't sleep at night.  I never know exactly when anxiety will strike.

This morning's drawing started out loose and playful until I began to tighten it up.  Odd color combination: 

  Drawing #40, 11" x 14"

(Note:  There is a gap between the dates I'm writing and posting because I had to give myself time to get ahead in case we travel and I'm not able to post.) 

A Year of Making Art: Day 38

May 27, 2007:  Day 38

Yesterday Eric called and asked if we wanted to meet him in Wilkes-barre, PA, about 2 hours drive from here.  It's Memorial Day weekend, and I had planned to just work, but getting away for a day or two sounded good.  I knew Adrian could use the break.  He's been digging holes and removing rocks in the yard for two weeks, planting bushes and trees, working outside in the heat, not drinking enough water, and basically exhausted.

So I said, "Sure, we're up for the trip."  But it is Sunday, and we are leaving for Nyack on Thursday.  I still have much to do.  Last night my sleep was restless with dreams and waking, but I didn't know how anxious I was until I snapped at Adrian this morning when he asked me to trim his hair before we left.

My drawing reflected these feelings, as I wrote:  "Oh heart," "fallen down," "broken," and filled my drawing with little hearts. 

  Drawing #37, 6" x 8"

Now I will trim Adrian's hair, pack, and drive to Wilkes-barre, joining millions of other Americans on the highway this weekend.

(Note:  There is a gap between the dates I'm writing and posting because I had to give myself time to get ahead in case we travel and I'm not able to post.)

A Year of Making Art: Day 34

May 23, 2007  Day 34

Anxious and irritable this morning.  Adrian is involved in a big landscaping project, and he always wants me to come out and discuss it with him.  "I don't care what the outside looks like," I said.  "Do what you want."

Now, this is not true, and truly a mean thing to say.  Adrian is working with a landscape designer who is almost worse than he is at communicating.  Thus, there is ongoing confusion as to what will be planted and when.

Yesterday I called Monkdogz to tell them I wasn't coming to the reception in June.  Marina answered the phone, and it was easy to talk to her.  I said I would ship the paintings on Monday.  But then she said Bob wanted to talk to me, and when he did, I didn't mention the fact that I wasn't coming.  He ended the conversation with:  "I'll see you soon."

Well, Marina will tell him. 

Last night I had a bipolar support group meeting.  I've been going to these for several years now, and share administrative responsibilities with the original founder.  We are affiliated with the Depression and Bipolar Support Alliance (DBSA). 

At the meeting, everyone said I was doing the right thing by not going to New York City.  It's important to keep stress to a minimum when you are bipolar, and the trip to Nyack will be stressful enough without adding NY to the end of it.

I got a late start with my drawing this morning, but rather than thinking much about it, I just picked up a blue pen and started to draw.  It works out better than asking myself, "What color do I want to use today?  How can I begin differently than I usually do? Do I want thin lines or thick ones?  Should I focus on circular forms or linear?  Etc., etc., etc. "

  Drawing #33, 14" x 11"

(Note:  There is a gap between the dates I'm writing and posting because I had to give myself time to get ahead in case we travel and I'm not able to post.)

A Year of Making Art: Day 32

May 21, 2007:  Day 32

I had a shiatsu massage at the spa yesterday afternoon, and it was incredible.  Afterwards Blixy and I sat in the tranquility room and drank green tea.  Then we went for a walk along the inlet to Cayuga Lake before she took me home.

After talking to Eric and Blixy, I think I will probably just go to the Nyack show and not the reception at Monkdogz.  Nyack is a three-person show where I will have ten paintings.  I have to help hang the show and give an art talk on Sunday at the reception.  It's important to be there.  But Monkdogz is a six-person show where I will only have three paintings.  There is no formal art talk or presentation of the artists.

Staying in New York City is also a very expensive proposition.  Even if all the paintings sold, I would just break even.  But is money the issue?  Will I be able to feel at peace with the decision not to go?  Are logic and reason the best tools to resolve this issue?

This morning I drew with bright colors, and here's the result:

  Drawing #31, 11" x 14"

(Note:  There is a gap between the dates I'm writing and posting because I had to give myself time to get ahead in case we travel and I'm not able to post.)

A Year of Making Art: Day 31

May 20, 2007: Day 31

Today will complete my first month of a year of making art every day.  It went by fast, like the rest of my life.

Last night I woke at 2 a.m. with an anxiety attack and couldn't go back to sleep until 5:30.  First I played solitaire, and then watched two movies simultaneously (going back and forth between commercials) on TV.  I don't know the name or the ending of either one of them.

What's going on?  Worries about our upcoming trip.  Here's the agenda:  Drive to Nyack, New York, with ten paintings, 200 plus miles, on a Thursday and check into a motel.  On Friday, meet at the Hopper House Art Center and hang the show with the other two artists.  On Saturday, hang out with stepson Owen, who will join us for a day or two.  On Sunday, give an art talk at the reception in the afternoon and hang out with Eric, who is taking a few days off work to be with us.  Then drive to Manhattan and check into a hotel there on Thursday for the evening reception at Monkdogz Urban Art.  I even planned to stay another day or two in case NJ family and friends can come into the city to meet us. 

Last year when I showed at Monkdogz, Blixy drove us there and Eric met us at the hotel to baby-sit us when Blixy wasn't available.  The reception was on a Saturday afternoon, and family, friends and clients came to celebrate with us.  It was a party.  And I was still anxious and irritable!

This time Blixy and Eric can't make the Monkdogz show, so I will be driving us into the city.  I haven't done that in twenty years!  Actually, I think the last time we drove into Manhattan, Adrian drove.  But he doesn't drive on trips anymore because of his eyesight and ability to stay focused.  I do all the long-distance driving.  But Adrian is also not a very good navigator, so I have to know where we are going and to be responsible for getting us there.

Is it the driving, the social obligation of being "on" at the reception, trying to "look" and "sound" like an artist?  The worry about Adrian and how he will hold up for three hours standing around the gallery?  The fear that if some of my clients do come to the show, they will be disappointed when they actually meet me?

Getting anxious before events like this is what I do, but is it worth it this time?  The trip to Nyack is eleven days from now.  How much of my life is going to be ruined with these worries?

The sad, or maybe the happy, part is that no one would suspect I have this social and performance anxiety at the actual event.  I do all my suffering ahead of time, and when I'm there, I seem perfectly comfortable.  Would it be OK to use this handicap as a reason for not going?  Somehow, I don't think so.  I will feel like a failure.

I put my worries into the drawing today:  "Crazy, crazy, crazy."  "No rest for the wicked."  "Mind numb." 

  Drawing #30, 11" x 14"

It's already noon.  I'm a wreck.  But this afternoon Blixy is taking me to a spa for a massage, sauna, etc.  Just what I need--rejuvenation for my body and mother-daughter time for my psyche.

(Note:  There is a gap between the dates I'm writing and posting because I had to give myself time to get ahead in case we travel and I'm not able to post.)

A Year of Making Art: Day 29

This morning, out of the blue, I have an overwhelming sense of foreboding.  Blue and lavender are the colors I used to express these feelings in a drawing.  Listening to Judy Carmichael did not help to lift my mood.  I printed the words as I thought them:  "Sense of foreboding."  "Who am I?" "Death, Life." "So tired."

At seventeen, looking into the mirror in my dorm room at the University of Southern California, I asked, "Who am I?"  I had become disassociated from my self for the moment.  When I told a good friend and she, frightened, reported it to the dorm mother, I quickly shaped up.  I did not want the dorm mother meddling in my private affairs.

Earlier in my teens I had written a typical teen angst poem that asked, "Who am I?"  But to still be asking that question at sixty-five?!

The first line I wrote on the drawing was "tools of the trade," because I was feeling that these pens I am using will not allow me to express myself adequately.  I longed for other tools.  And I wondered how the tools we use constrict our lives and our expressions of our lives.

Here's the drawing.  Nothing much.

  Drawing #28

All is going well in my life, so where did this mood come from?  Am I beginning to be anxious already about the upcoming exhibits in June?  It's way too early for that!

Why am I always waiting for things to be over?  I gobble up my life in this waiting.

And now I will try to finish Canvas #9.

Later:  Yes, I did destroy the painting Adrian liked yesterday.  And then I kept working.  And now I have this one:

  Canvas #9, now "Culmination"

And now I will go on with my "to do" list and ignore this mood.

(Note:  There is a gap between the dates I'm writing and posting because I had to give myself time to get ahead in case we travel and I'm not able to post.)