Abstract Art Blog

A Year of Making Art, Day 327: Keyed Up After Meeting

March 12, 2008  Day 327

We had a good bipolar support group meeting last night, except that I was the facilitator and worried that I didn't rein people in soon enough when they tended to take more than their allotted time.  We had a new person come, and I worry about making them feel welcome and wanting to come back.

I am always keyed up after meetings, so I stayed up drinking wine and eating nuts and chocolate--enough to give me indigestion that lasted through breakfast.  I woke up at 5 a.m. and couldn't get back to sleep.  Now I am ready for a nap.

In today's drawing I let loose with reds, oranges and yellows, gradually finding a loose shape within this free form:

  Drawing #334  14" x 11"

Then I packed the five paintings I have to ship to a Boston gallery:

  123456  48" x 48"

  MADCAP LIGHT  24" x 24

  GHOST BLOCK  18" x 24"

  WINTER BLOCKS  18" x 24"

  WHIRLPOOL BLOCK  18" x 24"

(Note: There is a gap between the dates I'm writing and posting in order to give me time to get ahead.)

A Year of Making Art, Day 299: Door Locked, Building Closed

February 12, 2008  Day 299

This morning I started with brown and tan calligraphy pens, adding fine black lines for texture and then finishing with a dark brown.

Drawing #305  14" x 11"

After that, I had to complete the top and bottom edges of Canvas #34 (see previous post).  Still, I don't now what I will do with it next.

Our bipolar support group meeting last night was canceled due to a storm.  I know a lot of people are going to miss it, including one new person I wasn't able to reach with the information.  There's nothing worse than finally getting up the nerve to go to a meeting and then finding the door locked and the building closed when you get there.

(Note: There is a gap between the dates I'm writing and posting in order to give me time to get ahead.)

A Year of Making Art, Day 239: Holiday Stress

December 14, 2007  Day 239

In this morning's drawing, my attempt at looseness slipped into sloppy--an assortment of lines that didn't want to work together no matter how I tried to coerce them:

   Drawing #244  12" x 9"

It is ten days before Christmas, and I'm planning to be depressed at that time.  Laura and Jim will leave on the 22nd, and we have nothing planned until January 2, when we are flying to California for a week.  I will try to work during that time, but I know there will be a letdown after Laura leaves.

Adrian and I don't really make much of Christmas or New Years, so they become dead times where you try to act as if it's a normal day, but you know it's not.  I think our son Eric has the right idea--he goes to Florida every year during this time.

For anyone who is bipolar or prone to depression, the holidays are typically extra stressful, whether you spend them alone or with family.  It's good to be aware of the potential danger, and to take better care of ourselves during those times.

(Note:  There is a gap between the dates I'm writing and posting in order to give me time to get ahead.)

A Year of Making Art, Day 188: Walking in the Woods Is Part of Ithaca Life

October 24, 2007  Day 188

I'm back to greens and blues in today's drawing.  The design felt a bit static with not enough focus.  I may keep working on it.

   Drawing #193  12" x 9"

Someone made an appointment to visit my studio this afternoon, but her husband called and said she was having car trouble and would have to reschedule.  Then a few minutes ago, the client who couldn't make up his mind about which painting to buy called and said he's coming over tonight to get one.

I would like to have my studio back to "painting mode," which is a lot different than I have it for visitors.

Last night at our bipolar support group meeting, it became clear that for us Ithacans, exercise, especially outdoors, is a big part of how we stay stable.  A new member from the city felt out of sorts here.  She could imagine walking for hours  in Manhattan, but not in the woods. 

I just had a wonderfully brisk walk with a neighbor this afternoon over colorful trails of wet leaves.  I couldn't imagine living without that.

(Note:  There is a gap between the dates I'm writing and posting in order to give me time to get ahead.)

A Year of Making Art, Day 182: In the Midst of Hypomania

October 18, 2007  Day 182

I am definitely hyper this week.  I've been getting up between 5 and 6 a.m. every morning, and find my head buzzing with projects and ideas.  If you haven't read it before in this blog, I am bipolar.  I love the hypomania, but also know that it takes its toll, and the aftermath could very well be depression. 

I enjoyed making this morning's drawing, which began with an unpromising beginning.  Step by step, I urged it to come together:

  Drawing #186  12" x 9"

I believe one thing that's making me hyper is hosting two art trail open studio weekends, one last weekend and the next coming up in two days.   After that I'll probably crash, or at least relax a bit.  My online art business has heated up lately, also, and it seems that I spend more time at the business than the art-making end these days.  When business is slow, I get depressed.  When it is good, I get hyper.   

(Note:  There is a gap between the dates I'm writing and posting in order to give me time to get ahead.)

A Year of Making Art, Day 146: The Value of a Support Group

September 12, 2007  Day 146

Last night's bipolar support group meeting was warm, supportive, and thoughtful, with a good laugh thrown in here and there.  My sister Laura came with me, and she was very impressed with the quality of the discussion, especially considering it is a peer-run group without any outside "expert" to guide us.

In this morning's drawing, I started with blue, but soon I was adding so many colors that I had to tone it down with some fine black lines.  I also filled in some areas with gray to take away some of the bright colors, and to add emphasis.

  Drawing #148  11" x 14"

I started to see double at one point, and realized I need to take care of my cataracts before the end of the year.  I'm really looking forward to being able to see clearly again.

It was fun looking at houses yesterday afternoon.  We saw a wonderful old renovated barn with the original beams intact.  Laura discovered she could get a lot more house in Ithaca than in south Florida for the same money, although we don't have the large inventory there is in Florida.  The housing market hasn't gone berserk here as it has in many parts of the country.

(Note:  There is a gap between the dates I'm writing and posting in order to give me time to get ahead in case we travel and I'm not able to post.)

A Year of Making Art, Day 144: Anxious?

September 10, 2007  Day 144

Today is Elsie Stoessel's birthday.  She was my ex-mother-in-law, and a great lady:  a lover of books, art and nature.  She always stood by me and Blixy, and I chronicle her last years in my memoir, The Bipolar Dementia Art Chronicles. 

I didn't understand why I felt anxious this morning, but just realized it's because I am the leader of tonight's book group discussion on The Pickup by Nadine Gordimer.  It was a great book and my sister Laura will go with me.  The meeting is at my friend and neighbor's house, so all in all, this should be low-stress.  Should be.

In this morning's drawing, I used my favorite combination of reds to purple and orange, creating an egg-like shape filled with bright patterns.  A new set of calligraphy pens is arriving this week with 42 colors, so I'm looking forward to having more shades to work with.

  Drawing #146  11" x 14"

It's a gray day here, wet and muddy since it rained most of yesterday.  Laura and I got in a walk when it slowed down, and then we all watched Federer beat Jokovitch in the US Open tennis final.

(Note:  There is a gap between the dates I'm writing and posting in order to give me time to get ahead in case we travel and I'm not able to post.)

A Year of Making Art, Day 118: Humor As a Prescription for Mental Health

August 15, 2007  Day 118

Mike and I did end up playing ping-pong and badminton yesterday afternoon, as well as attempting to make a video of my drawings.  I held the camera while he removed one drawing at a time on the stack.  The first few attempts were total failures, and then we did one we thought might work, but we couldn't upload it from the camera to the computer.  I need to learn more about making videos and manipulating them.

In this morning's drawing, I got heavily involved in color again, and it seemed that that was all it would be until I started adding some black lines.  I signed it and walked away, and then went back and filled in more color.  Later I added more black lines.  The next time I looked at it, I added some green.  And the last time, I filled in some areas with red.  Is it done now?

  Drawing #120  11" x 14"

We had our bipolar meeting last night, and it was really a lot of fun (the opposite of the last one, which was excruciatingly stressful).  Everyone had a horror story to tell, but we all laughed at ourselves.  Being able to see the humor in disaster is really important for mental health.  If we can laugh, even through our tears, we have a shot at making it.

(Note:  There is a gap between the dates I'm writing and posting because I had to give myself time to get ahead in case we travel and I'm not able to post.)

A Year of Making Art: Day 97

July 25, 2007  Day 97

Last night's bipolar support group meeting was very upsetting.  One of our long-time members was manic and very aggressively attacking everything others said.  The person who was supposed to facilitate did not show up, as well as many of our regulars.  That left me to facilitate with Z acting crazy.  At the same time we had one brand new person and another second-timer, who sounded a bit manic himself.

Just before the meeting, Adrian, John and I had an early dinner at a restaurant downtown, eating at outdoor tables on the sidewalk.  Z showed up and I asked her to join us.  She started out by saying that she didn't like the title of my book (The Bipolar Dementia Art Chronicles), and that she could only read one-third of it because she had already been through all that.  Not pausing for my response, she continued a short monolog, and then abruptly left. 

At the meeting, I didn't know whether to indulge her or to ask her to leave for the sake of the others.  At one point I told her to take her turn, hoping that would give her a chance to let off some steam.  After a long monolog that showed no signs of ending, I said we needed to move on to let others have a chance to speak.  She stormed out at that point and the rest of the meeting was relatively peaceful. 

Z is a very bright, capable woman and I hate to see her falling into this destructive pattern.  At the stage she was in last night, she wasn't ready to listen to anyone.  I fear this will mean another hospitalization for her.

I felt inadequate in dealing with Z last night, and also selfish that I wasn't willing to put myself out for her.  When  I said, "Take care of yourself," as she left, she shouted back, "I don't need your concern.  Give me something I can use."

And so I woke up at 2 a.m. and took Ambien in order to go back to sleep.  Today I feel dopey and disturbed.  My drawing, in reds, reflects this mood:

  Drawing #98  11" x 14"

(Note:  There is a gap between the dates I'm writing and posting because I had to give myself time to get ahead in case we travel and I'm not able to post.)

A Year of Making Art: Day 96

July 24, 2007  Day 96

I really needed this morning's drawing session for its calming, centering effect.  I began it in an agitated state, with strong vertical black lines and "X" marks across the page.  Gradually, I got totally involved in the process and found myself relaxing into a meditative state.

   Drawing #97  11" x 14"

The reason I was agitated is that I have once again attempted to run someone else's life--John's--and he began resisting.  Adrian and I really wanted him to move here, so I've been lining up people for him to talk to about part-time work.  I even planned to have him work for me to help pay his rent.  This morning he told us he has decided not to move anywhere until he has actual teaching work lined up.  He has applied to all the local colleges here, but he is applying for jobs in other places, too, so he might not end up in Ithaca at all.

I understood John's need to slow down with his decision.  I always move faster than anyone I know.  And I was getting a bit pushy in lining up opportunities for him.  Nevertheless, I was disappointed.  And I have to admit, even irritated that he rejected "all my hard work" on his behalf.

It was very stimulating to work on this project--finding John an apartment and work so that he could move here.  I was even half-thinking of flying to Chicago to physically help him with his move!  I really have to laugh at how typical this behavior is for me--anything to stimulate my mania, even taking over someone else's life.

John goes back to Chicago tomorrow afternoon, and then we'll go back to our every-day lives.  I just have to watch that I don't get depressed when that happens.

(Note:  There is a gap between the dates I'm writing and posting because I had to give myself time to get ahead in case we travel and I'm not able to post.)

A Year of Making Art: Day 83

July 11, 2007  Day 83

Last night I had my bipolar support group meeting, and I'm afraid I presented myself as more virtuous than I actually am.  Since I am one of the few people in the group who is not taking medication for my disorder, someone asked how I managed without it.  Lifestyle, which is important to anyone who is bipolar whether they are on meidcation or not, is what I touted, as well as right thinking.

When I used to get depressed, I would simply wallow in it, driving myself further downward.  Now I try to deflect the first negative thought and to do something productive instead, like taking a walk, painting, or making a drawing.  That's what I meant by "right thinking."  The trick is to stop yourself from dwelling on the negative before you get so far down that you can't go back.

"Lifestyle" means monitoring your sleep, exercise, fresh air, sunlight, and food intake, as well as saying "no" to situations that you know will trigger mood swings.  There is no single lifestyle formula that works for everyone, so it's often helpful to keep a "mood diary" for a period of time to note what works and doesn't work for you.

I manage my moods better now, but I do indulge myself with wine and chocolate, and don't always take the good advice listed above.  I'm too impulsive and compulsive for that track!

Yesterday I received the new Pitt brush pens, and tried them out in my drawing this morning.  They were a bit disappointing because they work almost like brushes (duh!) rather than pens, and require a delicate touch.  What I love about the Zigg pens is that you can make a firm, strong mark with them.  Probably a combination of the two, which is what I used this morning, will work out just fine.

  Drawing #84  11" x 14"

Next I went to work on two canvasses I'd already painted the backgrouns for.  I felt lost, as in not having a direction, but barged ahead and applied paint.  I feel a bit restless with my painting, like I am seeking a new direction but don't know where to find it.  I suppose, as always, I'll have to find it in the process of working on these canvases.

(Note:  There is a gap between the dates I'm writing and posting because I had to give myself time to get ahead in case we travel and I'm not able to post.)

A Year of Making Art: Day 48

June 6, 2007  Day 48

Traveling seems to take more and more out of us as we get older, and the effects are exacerbated by other conditions, like my bipolar disorder.  I didn't really "wake up" yesterday until 7 or 8 pm.  Then we stayed up late watching a dumb movie, Deja Vu.  It was a kind of terrorist-plot futuristic thriller with Denzel Washington, and the suspense really built up at the end, compelling us to watch.

This morning I find myself still out of it, but I have learned to just start my drawing anywhere and not make a fuss about it.  No matter how unlikely the beginning seems, eventually I forget what I'm doing and get into the process.

  Drawing #48, 14" x 11"

The reception for Monkdogz Urban Art is tomorrow night, and in some corner of my brain I want to jump in the car and go.  But realistically, I know I don't have the energy to take another trip when I haven't yet recuperated from the last one.  Better to get my life in order, keep my moods under control, take a brisk hike in the woods with my neighbor today.  Think mental health.

How boring!

(Note:  There is a gap between the dates I'm writing and posting because I had to give myself time to get ahead in case we travel and I'm not able to post.)

A Year of Making Art: Day 34

May 23, 2007  Day 34

Anxious and irritable this morning.  Adrian is involved in a big landscaping project, and he always wants me to come out and discuss it with him.  "I don't care what the outside looks like," I said.  "Do what you want."

Now, this is not true, and truly a mean thing to say.  Adrian is working with a landscape designer who is almost worse than he is at communicating.  Thus, there is ongoing confusion as to what will be planted and when.

Yesterday I called Monkdogz to tell them I wasn't coming to the reception in June.  Marina answered the phone, and it was easy to talk to her.  I said I would ship the paintings on Monday.  But then she said Bob wanted to talk to me, and when he did, I didn't mention the fact that I wasn't coming.  He ended the conversation with:  "I'll see you soon."

Well, Marina will tell him. 

Last night I had a bipolar support group meeting.  I've been going to these for several years now, and share administrative responsibilities with the original founder.  We are affiliated with the Depression and Bipolar Support Alliance (DBSA). 

At the meeting, everyone said I was doing the right thing by not going to New York City.  It's important to keep stress to a minimum when you are bipolar, and the trip to Nyack will be stressful enough without adding NY to the end of it.

I got a late start with my drawing this morning, but rather than thinking much about it, I just picked up a blue pen and started to draw.  It works out better than asking myself, "What color do I want to use today?  How can I begin differently than I usually do? Do I want thin lines or thick ones?  Should I focus on circular forms or linear?  Etc., etc., etc. "

  Drawing #33, 14" x 11"

(Note:  There is a gap between the dates I'm writing and posting because I had to give myself time to get ahead in case we travel and I'm not able to post.)

A Year of Making Art: Day 29

This morning, out of the blue, I have an overwhelming sense of foreboding.  Blue and lavender are the colors I used to express these feelings in a drawing.  Listening to Judy Carmichael did not help to lift my mood.  I printed the words as I thought them:  "Sense of foreboding."  "Who am I?" "Death, Life." "So tired."

At seventeen, looking into the mirror in my dorm room at the University of Southern California, I asked, "Who am I?"  I had become disassociated from my self for the moment.  When I told a good friend and she, frightened, reported it to the dorm mother, I quickly shaped up.  I did not want the dorm mother meddling in my private affairs.

Earlier in my teens I had written a typical teen angst poem that asked, "Who am I?"  But to still be asking that question at sixty-five?!

The first line I wrote on the drawing was "tools of the trade," because I was feeling that these pens I am using will not allow me to express myself adequately.  I longed for other tools.  And I wondered how the tools we use constrict our lives and our expressions of our lives.

Here's the drawing.  Nothing much.

  Drawing #28

All is going well in my life, so where did this mood come from?  Am I beginning to be anxious already about the upcoming exhibits in June?  It's way too early for that!

Why am I always waiting for things to be over?  I gobble up my life in this waiting.

And now I will try to finish Canvas #9.

Later:  Yes, I did destroy the painting Adrian liked yesterday.  And then I kept working.  And now I have this one:

  Canvas #9, now "Culmination"

And now I will go on with my "to do" list and ignore this mood.

(Note:  There is a gap between the dates I'm writing and posting because I had to give myself time to get ahead in case we travel and I'm not able to post.)

A Year of Making Art: Day 10

4/29/07 Day 10

Our time at the Compos Mentis farm yesterday was low-key and very pleasant.  It was lightly drizzling, but we were wearing our rain gear.  We helped tie up old cds on strings and attached them to lines placed around the half-acre garden in order to scare away deer.  Blixy and the kids (grandchildren Mike and Rachel) came after a while and we took a walk later to the top of the hill where there were two ponds and a beautiful tree house built by the Cayuga Nature Center.

So what was the point in my being so anxious before this event?  None.

Once again I started out slowly this morning, perhaps because it's Sunday and I felt entitled to relax over breakfast and read the New York Times Magazine.  Here's drawing #9, 6" x 8":

  Drawing #9

Then I went to work on the two Improv canvasses, adding lines that will later be partially filled in.  That step will determine whether or not these paintings succeed.  Finally, I worked on Canvas #3.

Strangely, the more I paint, the less I seem to "know" about how to do it.  That is, I cannot put it into words.  What is important is to just keep painting, and through that activity, things begin to happen.  It doesn't even seem to matter what my mood is when I do it, or whether it comes hard or easy.  The doing is what matters.

(Note:  There is a gap between the dates I'm writing and posting because I had to give myself time to get ahead in case we travel and I'm not able to post.)

A Year of Making Art: Day 9

4/28/07 Day 9

Today I am anxious and irritable because we are going to a farm this afternoon to help other volunteers prepare it for a program called Compos Mentis (Latin for "in control of your mind").  This new non-profit organization will be providing a day program for six months of the year where young people diagnosed with bipolar disorder, schizophrenia, and other mental illnesses will be able to work outdoors planting, harvesting, and maintaining trails under the supervision of staff and trained volunteers (see Compos Mentis website).  A good friend of mine started Compos Mentis, fulfilling a years' long dream of hers.  How could I not volunteer?

Because of my anxiety, I didn't sleep well and got up late.  Then Adrian started a blender full of orange juice without putting it together correctly and orange juice poured all over everything.  He always uses bath towels to mop up these messes, which irritates me.  I pointed out that he needed to use water to clean it up because it would be sticky, but as soon as I made this comment, he went off in a huff.  Why do I always tell him how to do things?  Maybe because, when I sat down at the dining room table yesterday, my feet got stuck in a sticky mess he hadn't cleaned up properly?

Whenever I lash out at Adrian, I know it is because of my own anxiety.

I put off making my morning drawing by futzing around with minor computer tasks.  I decided I would not paint today, but just do the drawing since we were going to the farm. 

Needing to be easy on myself, I did another 6" x 8":

  Drawing #8

Then I thought I might as well do the next step on the Improv paintings, since it wouldn't take long and this step has to dry before I can work on them again.  They looked much better after I finished:

  Canvas 5

  Canvas 6

After that, I signed my name to canvas #4 and did a little work on canvas #3. 

I'll feel much better after I come back from the farm because no matter how it goes, at least it will be over. 

(Note:  There is a gap between the dates I'm writing and posting because I had to give myself time to get ahead in case we travel and I'm not able to post.)

A Year of Making Art: Day 4

4/23/07 Day 4

I wonder why it is only when I am depressed that I think about the meaning of life?  When I'm feeling up, especially in my hypomanic (hyper, but not manic) state, I get loads of ideas and want to work on them.  It is all exciting then and I want to do things, not sit around thinking about the pupose of it all.

Lately I've been a little down, and I guess more so this morning.  As I was doing my fifteen minutes of slow-breathing exercises, I started doubting the way I am living my life, and wondering what I should replace it with.

I get up every day and work.  It has lost its taste.  But there is nothing to replace it with.  What else would I do?

Every so often I get into a self-improvement phase where I practice meditation or some other self-awareness program.    Is it time for that?

I know that if I just keep pushing through the gloom, if I keep making art, I will eventually come back out into the light.  This morning I did my obligatory drawing and used it to express these negative thoughts:  "No one likes the reds."  "I don't know what I'm doing."  And simply, "Oh."

I added another word, "inspiring," because I got an email this morning from someone who said she found my art "inspiring."  I don't feel inspired today.

   Drawing #3

After drawing, I went back to the two paintings I've been working on and was finally able to sign one of them.  I don't know if it's any good, but here it is:

  Reflection, 44" x 44"

The problem is, I should be making happy, decorative paintings for two art shows I have coming up in June.  That's what people want to buy.

(Note:  There is a gap between the  dates I'm writing and posting  because I had to give myself time to get ahead in case we travel and I'm not able to post.)   

A Year of Making Art: Day 1

4/20/07 Day 1

Today I decided to make art and write about it every day for a year.  I recently started drawing again, so that will allow me to make art no matter where I am.  I won't need my painting studio.  All I am required to do is to make one drawing a day.  If I paint as well, great, but it is not required in this agreement.

I also decided I want this year to be honest.  That is, I want to paint and draw for myself, and I want to write the truth.  Neither of these is easy for me when I am trying to make a living selling my art.

What do galleries want?  I am having two shows this June and need to paint for them.  But I am paralyzed.  My art doesn't come out of some "end game" where the result is known before hand.  It has to come out of sincere exploration, not an attempt to paint what someone will want to buy.

I am also tremendously influenced by current sales.  When I go for a week without hearing from anyone who is interested in my art, I get depressed.  When I have a good week, I get exuberant and eager to paint.

I also have continual doubts, mixed with moments of exhilaration at my great talent.  Today I hate half the paintings in my studio.  I want to clear them out.

No one seems to want to buy the paintings I love best.  Rarely.  But then, I have different reasons for preferring one painting over another.  I know what a canvas cost me.  And I know when it led me to a new place.

I have many doubts, but I'm not supposed to write about them because that might turn collectors away.

I'm bipolar, so I am going to be up and down.

Kurt Vonnegut died recently, and maybe now is the time to live up to the statement in one of his books, which goes something like this:  "You are who you pretend to be, so be careful who you choose to pretend to be."

I'm sixty-five years old, so maybe now is the time to stop pretending.

I get lots of compliments about my "honesty" on my website and in my blogs, because I write about my messy past and being bipolar.  But what do I leave out?

Sometimes I'm not honest because I want people to like me.  I don't want to say anything they will disapprove of.  Rather, I want to fulfill their expectations.  At a certain point, I may not even know what I believe because I have brainwashed myself to fit into someone else's worldview.

Given all these caveats, I plan to be as honest as I can here.  I wil start with what I've been working on this week:  self-portraits.

I hadn't painted a portrait of any kind since my early twenties, and now I decided to try self-portraits again.  What a scary undertaking!  I haven't painted from life since . . . I can't remember when.  It's much harder than it looks and it takes practice to get good at it.  If you don't use it, you lose it.

Here are three of the self-portraits I did early in my life.  I even painted one with my mouth open screaming on my first husband's motorcycle helmet, before he was my husband.  "Mouth open screaming" was how I often felt about life then.

  Lynne Screaming  painted at age 17

  Lynne at USC  Tempera on Poster Board, 1961

  Self Portrait in Watercolor 1960s

Looking in a mirror now, which is what I have to do in order to make a self-portrait, is a very different experience from what it was at eighteen.  First, I can't see the details clearly  because I have cataracts.  That's another thing I shouldn't talk about, the cataracts.  Who wants to buy a painting from an artist with cataracts?

I don't think the cataracts affect my abstract painting and drawing, but when you are working from life, you need to see it in order to paint it.  Then there's the problem of my eye-glasses.  I never have my photo taken with them on, and I don't want to put them in my portraits.  So I have to guess some of that section around the eyes where the glasses interfere.

My attempts at realism fail, as you can see in these examples.  So I move into abstraction.  Not much better.  And I haven't gotten up the nerve yet to put in the wriinkles and jowls.

  First attempt, pen on paper

  Second attempt, pen on paper

  Third attempt, acrylic on canvas

  Fourth attempt, pen on paper

(Note:  There is a gap between the  dates I'm writing and posting  because I had to give myself time to get ahead in case we travel and I'm not able to post.)