Abstract Art Blog

A Year of Making Art, Day 277: When Your Spouse Is Depressed

January 21, 2008 Day 277

Adrian is depressed today and I can't help but think it's my fault. This is a typical reaction when a spouse is depressed. Another common reaction is wanting to escape and hang out with happy people. Typically our roles are reversed: I'm the one who's depressed and Adrian is the one who feels guilty about it.

I made a quick sketch today with a black zig calligraphy brush pen, adding some pale blue and fine-line black:

Drawing #283 11" x 14"

Then I worked on canvas #31 again, covering much of the darker blues and browns with a light blue wash. After that I drew fine yellow and blue lines, feathering them with a dry brush afterwards. Here is the sequence:

Canvas #31 background

Canvas #31 next step

Canvas #31 36" x 36"

Tonight is our art-marketing group meeting and we're going to learn how to use Apple's movie-maker on my new Imac. I am still struggling to get the new computer up-to-speed, installing software and trying to get the feel for how things work. It's always the simplest things that stump you. I know, for instance, how to move things around and deal with files on my pc, but the Imac seem to be hiding it all from me

Having been a pc user since the first one came out, will I ever feel comfortable on the Imac?

(Note: There is a gap between the dates I'm writing and posting in order to give me time to get ahead.)

A Year of Making Art, Day 249: Hating the Holiday Season

December 24, 2007  Day 249

I really hate the holiday season.  Our son Eric flies to Florida by himself every year at this time in order to avoid it.  Neighbors come over with home-baked goodies--a tradition I stupidly started the year we moved here.  If family is not around, one can't help but be depressed.  If they are around, there is too much eating and drinking and not enough exercise.

My clients are testy because they don't understand why they can't get what they ordered by Christmas.  I have to get out cards to my business mailing list, write a holiday letter, and send it to our family and friends.  We are not religous people, so the holiday means nothing in that sense.  But culturally, my family has celebrated Christmas forever, and Adrian's family celebrates Hanukah.  We feel obligated to go through the motions.

Writing this makes me think I should do something different next year.  If I can't insert a sincere goodwill in my holiday cards, what's the point in sending them?  If I'm too fat and exhausted to enjoy visitors, why should I invite them?

Last night we stayed up late and slept until 10 a.m.  Groggily, I made today's drawing in browns and tans:

   Drawing #254  14" x 11"

I went out and bought a 12 pound turkey to cook tomorrow, when Blixy and her family will come to celebrate Christmas.  The holiday drummer marches on.

Next year I'm planning two weeks in a warm, exotic place where nobody knows how to spell Xmas.  Does one exist?

(Note:  There is a gap between the dates I'm writing and posting in order to give me time to get ahead.)

A Year of Making Art, Day 232: No Patience

December 7, 2007  Day 232

The past few days I was up, and now I'm down.  After cataract surgery, my new eyes are wonderful for distance viewing, but terrible for anything up close to within sixteen inches of my face.  Yesterday I exchanged the reading glasses I'd bought from the drugstore for new ones that didn't work any better, and now I want to return those and try some others.

I won't see the opthalmologist for two weeks to have my eyes tested for a possible new prescription, and I'm not even sure what would work at this point.  When I am drawing, I don't quite see it clearly either way, with or without the reading glasses.  Thus, in frustration, I made this morning's drawing:

  Drawing #237  9" x 12"

I need to make canvases and start painting again, but with these eyes, I don't think I'll even be able to measure correctly.

I know I should give it all time and relax, but I'm not a patient person!

(Note:  There is a gap between the dates I'm writing and posting in order to give me time to get ahead.)

A Year of Making Art, Day 191: Painting Again

October 27, 2007  Day 191

I finally started painting again today after returning my studio to its "normal" state at the end of the art trail.  It is always hard to get back into painting when I've been away from it, and I began by taking a canvas I was fairly happy with and turning it into a bigger problem to solve:

  Canvas 23  36" x 36"

In today's drawing I went back to the blue-green series of calligraphy pens, using the brush pens to fill in spaces.  I really prefer these calligraphy pens to anything else, and need to see if I can find them in more color shades than I currently have.

  Drawing #196  12" x 9"

I was a bit down this morning, feeling bored by the sameness of my daily routine.  But I went ahead and worked in spite of it, and then this afternoon Adrian and I took Roxy for a walk in the woods.  We went out after a fresh rain, and it was warm enough that the air felt like Spring instead of late October.

(Note:  There is a gap between the dates I'm writing and posting in order to give me time to get ahead.)

 

A Year of Making Art, Day 135: Anxiety + Irritability

September 1, 2007  Day 135

This morning at breakfast, after I pissed Adrian off, he said, "I won't talk to you about anything personal again."  Just as he doesn't really listen to me when I want to vent, I don't listen to him either.  We are both tense.

And thus, I started this morning's drawing with black and gray, staying with it, making patterns and then adding emphasis by texturing spaces with fine lines.  I may not know what I'm doing, but within a narrow context I can work to make a drawing better.

   Drawing #137  11" x 14"

I'm listening to Leonard Cohen these days.  When I can't listen to anything else, I can always listen to Leonard Cohen.

Tonight we are having neighbors over for dessert after dinner.  This is our compromise, a way to have a social life without a huge obligation, like a dinner-party.  But somehow, I am just as freaked out by it.  Once again, I am "waiting for the day to be over" so I can breathe freely again.  Will I ever get past this?

One idea I had was to have friends over every weekend until I get used to it, but at what cost?

It is pitiful how sorry I'm feeling for myself right now.

Later:  I made myself paint today just to get past the crappy feelings, and it helped a lot.  Here's the progress I made on these two conavases:

   Canvas #20  40" x 40"

   Canvas #22  40" x 40"

(Note:  There is a gap between the dates I'm writing and posting in order to give me time to get ahead in case we travel and I'm not able to post.)

A Year of Making Art: Day 87

July 15, 2007  Day 87

I was paralyzed for most of yesterday afternoon and evening.  I tried to read a book, Later at the Bar by Rebecca Barry, but could not get into the stories.  Judging from the reviews I had read, I thought this would be a fun read, but all I felt during the process was more irritated that I'd spent money on it.  Don't judge this book by my review, however, as I doubt there was anything that would have pleased me yesterday.

This morning I started to have an inkling about what was going on.  I am worried about everything because a) I take myself too seriously, and b) I demand perfection.  I think it's time to reread the Zanders' book The Art of Possibility and learn its valuable lessons again.

My drawing this morning is a bit too colorful, perhaps, but I wanted to make something light and free and fun.  Not easy to do when you're down on yourself.

  Drawing #88  14" x 11"

I started listening to Don McLean's cd, American Pie, which was a little bit of a disappointment.  I like it, but not enough to listen to over and over.  Part of the reason I bought it was for the song Starry Starry Night about Vincent Van Gogh, but now I remember that the haunting version I had loved years ago was sung by a woman.  Anyone know who that was?

After I finished drawing, I tackled the problem canvas again.  I thought I would make some big changes in it, give myself a fresh take, but I seemed to compulsively rework what had already been started.  It was as if the image had a life of its own that refused to die.  And so, at the end of this painting session, here is where it's at:

  Canvas 12  40" x 40"

(Note:  There is a gap between the dates I'm writing and posting because I had to give myself time to get ahead in case we travel and I'm not able to post.)

A Year of Making Art: Day 86

July 14, 2007  Day 86

I am definitely depressed, but not sure exactly how I got here.  There were signs the last few days when I had all I could do to control my irritability with Adrian.  He's the first one to suffer when I'm feeling down.

Painting was awful today, and the drawing wasn't much better.   I made a rule for myself that I had to use only the Pitt brush pens, and that led to a muddled mess.  I like to make strong lines, pressing down on the paper, and you just can't do that with a fine brush!  I guess this means I will stick to the Zigg calligraphy pens in the future.

  Drawing #87  14" x 11"

At the end of yesterday's painting session, I had liked the canvas I was working on, but this morning I could see few redeeming features in it.  So I applied paint.  And more paint.  I scraped off paint.  I applied more paint.  I got nowhere and finally quit for the day.

I don't know what to do about my mood.  I am really pissed off at Owen, who says "I'll be there when I get there."  I am irritable, paranoid, and sure that no good will come of anything.

(Note:  There is a gap between the dates I'm writing and posting because I had to give myself time to get ahead in case we travel and I'm not able to post.) 

A Year of Making Art: Day 58

June 16, 2007  Day 58

This morning I am back to red-oranges in my drawing, but I can't seem to get the intensity that I do in acrylic paint on canvas.  I didn't leave enough white space in this drawing, instead using the ink pens almost like watercolor.  Except that watercolor and brush offer much more variation in transparency, blending, and edge.  Ink pens definitely limit what one can do, but instead of complaining, I shoud be looking for the essence of what they do best: line, for example.

  Drawing #58  14" x 11"

I finally started painting again today, now that I have eight new gessoed canvases ready.  I started on the backgrounds on three, and will continue tomorrow.

This afternoon we are going for a hike with Blixy and the kids, and then out to dinner to celebrate her finishing an MA in Enrollment Management (for higher education).  She studied through online courses at Capella University while working full-time as an Associate Dean at Tompkins Cortland Community College.  Yeah, I'm a proud mother!

(Note:  There is a gap between the dates I'm writing and posting because I had to give myself time to get ahead in case we travel and I'm not able to post.)

A Year of Making Art: Day 47

June 5, 2007  Day 47

When we got back home around 3:00 in the afternoon yesterday, I was wiped out.  All I could do was take a nap, watch a little of the tennis match between Nadal and Hewitt at the French Open, and read the Sunday New York Times.  I put together a simple cold supper after Adrian went to the food store and picked up our mail.

This morning I am still wiped out, and feeling a let-down, invevitable I guess, after the weekend away and the high of the art opening.  When I finally managed to get to my drawing, I slowly eased my way back into the process by writing down my thoughts:  "discouraged, sleepy weepy wet eyes."  This is what I was feeling, but it seemed self-indulgent to be complaining.  Words were just words, I thought, and what will any of this mean when my personality is swallowed up in the vastness of eternity?

That was a glimpse of despair, and frightening, but by making marks on the page, continuing to draw, I worked my way out of it.  And now, I'm just tired.

  Drawing #47, 14" x 11"

(Note:  There is a gap between the dates I'm writing and posting because I had to give myself time to get ahead in case we travel and I'm not able to post.)

A Year of Making Art: Day 39

May 28, 2007:  Day 39

I started to write, "Happy Memorial Day," but it is not happy.  It is, rather, a sad day when we think about the ongoing loss of life in Iraq and elsewhere in the world.  I take a moment to think about the dead, the dying, and the about-to-die because of leaders waging war.

We arrived in Wilkes-barre, PA, around noon yesterday and met Eric for lunch at a local pizza place.  Wilkes-barre is known for its great pizza.  In the afternoon we went for an easy hike at The Tubs, a natural area with interesting geological formations shaped in round cups or "tubs." 

In the evening we went to our favorite Italian restaurant, one we'd been going to for years whenever we visited, but there was a Mexican restaurant there instead.  We couldn't understand what had happened because the Italian place was family run and always packed.  A neighbor told us the sad news--that the chef, one of the sons, had committed suicide.  No wonder the family suddenly sold the business.

Eric said, "If the person committing suicide only knew how many lives he was affecting, he wouldn't do it."  Suicide is always a tragedy for family and friends, one that has an effect for lifetimes and generations.

My drawing today contains the words, "Sea of Life."  It is a cliche, yes, but often chosen because it is so apt in depicting life's movement from calm waters to deep swells and raging storms, from heights of euphoria to despair. 

  Drawing #38, 8" x 6"

(Note:  There is a gap between the dates I'm writing and posting because I had to give myself time to get ahead in case we travel and I'm not able to post.) 

A Year of Making Art: Day 34

May 23, 2007  Day 34

Anxious and irritable this morning.  Adrian is involved in a big landscaping project, and he always wants me to come out and discuss it with him.  "I don't care what the outside looks like," I said.  "Do what you want."

Now, this is not true, and truly a mean thing to say.  Adrian is working with a landscape designer who is almost worse than he is at communicating.  Thus, there is ongoing confusion as to what will be planted and when.

Yesterday I called Monkdogz to tell them I wasn't coming to the reception in June.  Marina answered the phone, and it was easy to talk to her.  I said I would ship the paintings on Monday.  But then she said Bob wanted to talk to me, and when he did, I didn't mention the fact that I wasn't coming.  He ended the conversation with:  "I'll see you soon."

Well, Marina will tell him. 

Last night I had a bipolar support group meeting.  I've been going to these for several years now, and share administrative responsibilities with the original founder.  We are affiliated with the Depression and Bipolar Support Alliance (DBSA). 

At the meeting, everyone said I was doing the right thing by not going to New York City.  It's important to keep stress to a minimum when you are bipolar, and the trip to Nyack will be stressful enough without adding NY to the end of it.

I got a late start with my drawing this morning, but rather than thinking much about it, I just picked up a blue pen and started to draw.  It works out better than asking myself, "What color do I want to use today?  How can I begin differently than I usually do? Do I want thin lines or thick ones?  Should I focus on circular forms or linear?  Etc., etc., etc. "

  Drawing #33, 14" x 11"

(Note:  There is a gap between the dates I'm writing and posting because I had to give myself time to get ahead in case we travel and I'm not able to post.)

A Year of Making Art: Day 29

This morning, out of the blue, I have an overwhelming sense of foreboding.  Blue and lavender are the colors I used to express these feelings in a drawing.  Listening to Judy Carmichael did not help to lift my mood.  I printed the words as I thought them:  "Sense of foreboding."  "Who am I?" "Death, Life." "So tired."

At seventeen, looking into the mirror in my dorm room at the University of Southern California, I asked, "Who am I?"  I had become disassociated from my self for the moment.  When I told a good friend and she, frightened, reported it to the dorm mother, I quickly shaped up.  I did not want the dorm mother meddling in my private affairs.

Earlier in my teens I had written a typical teen angst poem that asked, "Who am I?"  But to still be asking that question at sixty-five?!

The first line I wrote on the drawing was "tools of the trade," because I was feeling that these pens I am using will not allow me to express myself adequately.  I longed for other tools.  And I wondered how the tools we use constrict our lives and our expressions of our lives.

Here's the drawing.  Nothing much.

  Drawing #28

All is going well in my life, so where did this mood come from?  Am I beginning to be anxious already about the upcoming exhibits in June?  It's way too early for that!

Why am I always waiting for things to be over?  I gobble up my life in this waiting.

And now I will try to finish Canvas #9.

Later:  Yes, I did destroy the painting Adrian liked yesterday.  And then I kept working.  And now I have this one:

  Canvas #9, now "Culmination"

And now I will go on with my "to do" list and ignore this mood.

(Note:  There is a gap between the dates I'm writing and posting because I had to give myself time to get ahead in case we travel and I'm not able to post.)

A Year of Making Art: Day 10

4/29/07 Day 10

Our time at the Compos Mentis farm yesterday was low-key and very pleasant.  It was lightly drizzling, but we were wearing our rain gear.  We helped tie up old cds on strings and attached them to lines placed around the half-acre garden in order to scare away deer.  Blixy and the kids (grandchildren Mike and Rachel) came after a while and we took a walk later to the top of the hill where there were two ponds and a beautiful tree house built by the Cayuga Nature Center.

So what was the point in my being so anxious before this event?  None.

Once again I started out slowly this morning, perhaps because it's Sunday and I felt entitled to relax over breakfast and read the New York Times Magazine.  Here's drawing #9, 6" x 8":

  Drawing #9

Then I went to work on the two Improv canvasses, adding lines that will later be partially filled in.  That step will determine whether or not these paintings succeed.  Finally, I worked on Canvas #3.

Strangely, the more I paint, the less I seem to "know" about how to do it.  That is, I cannot put it into words.  What is important is to just keep painting, and through that activity, things begin to happen.  It doesn't even seem to matter what my mood is when I do it, or whether it comes hard or easy.  The doing is what matters.

(Note:  There is a gap between the dates I'm writing and posting because I had to give myself time to get ahead in case we travel and I'm not able to post.)

A Year of Making Art: Day 9

4/28/07 Day 9

Today I am anxious and irritable because we are going to a farm this afternoon to help other volunteers prepare it for a program called Compos Mentis (Latin for "in control of your mind").  This new non-profit organization will be providing a day program for six months of the year where young people diagnosed with bipolar disorder, schizophrenia, and other mental illnesses will be able to work outdoors planting, harvesting, and maintaining trails under the supervision of staff and trained volunteers (see Compos Mentis website).  A good friend of mine started Compos Mentis, fulfilling a years' long dream of hers.  How could I not volunteer?

Because of my anxiety, I didn't sleep well and got up late.  Then Adrian started a blender full of orange juice without putting it together correctly and orange juice poured all over everything.  He always uses bath towels to mop up these messes, which irritates me.  I pointed out that he needed to use water to clean it up because it would be sticky, but as soon as I made this comment, he went off in a huff.  Why do I always tell him how to do things?  Maybe because, when I sat down at the dining room table yesterday, my feet got stuck in a sticky mess he hadn't cleaned up properly?

Whenever I lash out at Adrian, I know it is because of my own anxiety.

I put off making my morning drawing by futzing around with minor computer tasks.  I decided I would not paint today, but just do the drawing since we were going to the farm. 

Needing to be easy on myself, I did another 6" x 8":

  Drawing #8

Then I thought I might as well do the next step on the Improv paintings, since it wouldn't take long and this step has to dry before I can work on them again.  They looked much better after I finished:

  Canvas 5

  Canvas 6

After that, I signed my name to canvas #4 and did a little work on canvas #3. 

I'll feel much better after I come back from the farm because no matter how it goes, at least it will be over. 

(Note:  There is a gap between the dates I'm writing and posting because I had to give myself time to get ahead in case we travel and I'm not able to post.)

A Year of Making Art: Day 5

4/24/07 Day 5

Daughter Blixy came over at 7 a.m. to use our shower before she goes to work.  The power was out at her house.  Just seeing her for a few minutes brightened my day.

But then it was back to the usual.  Procrastinated making art by reading email, making phone calls to fix our telephone voice-mail, making doctor's appointments, etc.  I also called my oldest brother, Bill, who turned 77 today.  We discussed the fact that so many kids in our family are talented in math and music.  Bill suggested they got it from our Czech heritage.

I finally got around to drawing, which was fairly painless once I got started.  It's making that first mark that's hard.  After that, I react to what's there.

   Drawing #4

After a little more work, I signed my second canvas, but I don't expect anyone will want to buy a painting in these colors.

  Emergence, 44" x 44"

It's been a while since I painted something that really made me feel, "wow," as in "where did this come from?"  Instead, I seem to be solving the problems of each canvas without any real excitement.  This could all be due to my general depression.  Or not.

I did some work on backgrounds today also.  I've been trying to get away from my usual pre-painting steps, but these efforts haven't led me anywhere useful.  It is so tedious to cover a whole canvas, especially a large one.  I just want to get through that step and move on.

I should probably be working on smaller canvasses when I'm in this kind of mood, but I don't have any made.  Stretchers are on order.

(Note:  There is a gap between the dates I'm writing and posting because I had to give myself time to get ahead in case we travel and I'm not able to post.) 

A Year of Making Art: Day 4

4/23/07 Day 4

I wonder why it is only when I am depressed that I think about the meaning of life?  When I'm feeling up, especially in my hypomanic (hyper, but not manic) state, I get loads of ideas and want to work on them.  It is all exciting then and I want to do things, not sit around thinking about the pupose of it all.

Lately I've been a little down, and I guess more so this morning.  As I was doing my fifteen minutes of slow-breathing exercises, I started doubting the way I am living my life, and wondering what I should replace it with.

I get up every day and work.  It has lost its taste.  But there is nothing to replace it with.  What else would I do?

Every so often I get into a self-improvement phase where I practice meditation or some other self-awareness program.    Is it time for that?

I know that if I just keep pushing through the gloom, if I keep making art, I will eventually come back out into the light.  This morning I did my obligatory drawing and used it to express these negative thoughts:  "No one likes the reds."  "I don't know what I'm doing."  And simply, "Oh."

I added another word, "inspiring," because I got an email this morning from someone who said she found my art "inspiring."  I don't feel inspired today.

   Drawing #3

After drawing, I went back to the two paintings I've been working on and was finally able to sign one of them.  I don't know if it's any good, but here it is:

  Reflection, 44" x 44"

The problem is, I should be making happy, decorative paintings for two art shows I have coming up in June.  That's what people want to buy.

(Note:  There is a gap between the  dates I'm writing and posting  because I had to give myself time to get ahead in case we travel and I'm not able to post.)   

A Year of Making Art: Day 2

4/21/07 Day 2

Yesterday I showed my daughter Blixy the self-portraits and she said, "Do you realize you've made yourself look more male than female?"

"No," I said, "I didn't realize that, but now that you point it out, you're right.  I guess my inner image of myself has always been that of a young boy."

"Yeah, but your early portraits look more feminine."

"True."

This morning I tried drawing another self-portrait, but it was coming out so badly that I stopped working on it.  Then I did an abstract drawing, which also started out poorly.  I was going to abandon it, too, but decided to keep working on it.  Here it is:

  Drawing #1

Next I tackled the painting I've been working on for a week without success. It was very dark, with no light in it at all.  I opened a tube of bright orange and drew thick lines across the surface of the canvas.  Then I took a pale lime green and made some marks with that.  Finally with a brush wet in a thin wash of orange-green, I brushed over it all.  And then I used thin lines of brown umber to outline, accent, and texturize.

I kept working, adding some reds, until I had a pretty ugly canvas in front of me.  This is it:

  Canvas #1

Have I forgotten how to paint completely?

In frustration, I went to work on another 44" x 44" canvas, using white, black and brown paint directly from the tube.  I figured I had to cut back on color and concentrate on line and form, in order to get myself back to the basics.

This is how that one ended up:

  Canvas #2

So it's true, I have forgotten how to paint.  The only solution is to just keep going, even though I feel impatient and frustrated.  I don't know what to do, so I paint faster.  That isn't working.

Will I be able to salvage these paintings?  I don't even know what I'm looking for.  I don't know what a good painting will look like any more.

I imagine my neighbors walking past and looking in my studio windows thinking, "Look at that ugly painting she is making."

(Note:  There is a gap between the  dates I'm writing and posting  because I had to give myself time to get ahead in case we travel and I'm not able to post.)   

A Year of Making Art: Day 1

4/20/07 Day 1

Today I decided to make art and write about it every day for a year.  I recently started drawing again, so that will allow me to make art no matter where I am.  I won't need my painting studio.  All I am required to do is to make one drawing a day.  If I paint as well, great, but it is not required in this agreement.

I also decided I want this year to be honest.  That is, I want to paint and draw for myself, and I want to write the truth.  Neither of these is easy for me when I am trying to make a living selling my art.

What do galleries want?  I am having two shows this June and need to paint for them.  But I am paralyzed.  My art doesn't come out of some "end game" where the result is known before hand.  It has to come out of sincere exploration, not an attempt to paint what someone will want to buy.

I am also tremendously influenced by current sales.  When I go for a week without hearing from anyone who is interested in my art, I get depressed.  When I have a good week, I get exuberant and eager to paint.

I also have continual doubts, mixed with moments of exhilaration at my great talent.  Today I hate half the paintings in my studio.  I want to clear them out.

No one seems to want to buy the paintings I love best.  Rarely.  But then, I have different reasons for preferring one painting over another.  I know what a canvas cost me.  And I know when it led me to a new place.

I have many doubts, but I'm not supposed to write about them because that might turn collectors away.

I'm bipolar, so I am going to be up and down.

Kurt Vonnegut died recently, and maybe now is the time to live up to the statement in one of his books, which goes something like this:  "You are who you pretend to be, so be careful who you choose to pretend to be."

I'm sixty-five years old, so maybe now is the time to stop pretending.

I get lots of compliments about my "honesty" on my website and in my blogs, because I write about my messy past and being bipolar.  But what do I leave out?

Sometimes I'm not honest because I want people to like me.  I don't want to say anything they will disapprove of.  Rather, I want to fulfill their expectations.  At a certain point, I may not even know what I believe because I have brainwashed myself to fit into someone else's worldview.

Given all these caveats, I plan to be as honest as I can here.  I wil start with what I've been working on this week:  self-portraits.

I hadn't painted a portrait of any kind since my early twenties, and now I decided to try self-portraits again.  What a scary undertaking!  I haven't painted from life since . . . I can't remember when.  It's much harder than it looks and it takes practice to get good at it.  If you don't use it, you lose it.

Here are three of the self-portraits I did early in my life.  I even painted one with my mouth open screaming on my first husband's motorcycle helmet, before he was my husband.  "Mouth open screaming" was how I often felt about life then.

  Lynne Screaming  painted at age 17

  Lynne at USC  Tempera on Poster Board, 1961

  Self Portrait in Watercolor 1960s

Looking in a mirror now, which is what I have to do in order to make a self-portrait, is a very different experience from what it was at eighteen.  First, I can't see the details clearly  because I have cataracts.  That's another thing I shouldn't talk about, the cataracts.  Who wants to buy a painting from an artist with cataracts?

I don't think the cataracts affect my abstract painting and drawing, but when you are working from life, you need to see it in order to paint it.  Then there's the problem of my eye-glasses.  I never have my photo taken with them on, and I don't want to put them in my portraits.  So I have to guess some of that section around the eyes where the glasses interfere.

My attempts at realism fail, as you can see in these examples.  So I move into abstraction.  Not much better.  And I haven't gotten up the nerve yet to put in the wriinkles and jowls.

  First attempt, pen on paper

  Second attempt, pen on paper

  Third attempt, acrylic on canvas

  Fourth attempt, pen on paper

(Note:  There is a gap between the  dates I'm writing and posting  because I had to give myself time to get ahead in case we travel and I'm not able to post.)